I committed
suicide December 22nd about 1am. I was just fed up and knew the torture would
only get worse. I was a drain on everyone and it hurt me. And i was alone, i
had no one who needed me (i thought.) so I took 85 Tylenol PM, in front of my ex-boyfriend
mark, he laughed, as if it was a big joke; Until i collapsed on the hallway
floor, on my way to the restroom. Then he screamed at me "You stupid
fucking bitch! I hope you’re fucking happy!" all the way to our local
Hospital E.R. I remember the feeling before i fell; i had this burning from
inside, and unlike anything I ever felt. I was so tired, and yet so awake. A
burning was slowly growing, and went from my abdomen, through my chest, and
into my throat, where it then seeped into my mouth. I remember the taste, and
feel on the back of my throat; i thought it was my soul escaping. My friends
opinion it was the devil breathing on me, or in me i am not sure which.
I felt
lighter afterwards, but also heavier; i felt lighter inside, but my body was dragging.
They rushed me back to a room in the E.R., fawned all over me; and then left me
sitting i assumed i was fine, so i left. I ran out, in the back of my mind i
escaped fearing being taken to the mental ward. The city police came to my
house, where my ex-boyfriend couldn’t convince them i was fine. So he let them in the house, where i refused
to go willingly with them. In my right mind i would've known it would have just
been easier to just go with them and not fight it that i wouldn’t win. That’s
not however what i did. I chanted to them "I’m not going" over and
over. I pressed myself against the bathroom door, which was the only place i
could go before they came in. The bathroom door however had no lock on it, so i
leaned, and angled my body so i was between the door and sink. It took about 40
minutes, and 5 male police UN screwing the door knob, and body slamming the
door in a team, to get me out. I then went out willingly they grabbed my arms,
i threw them back and drug the police officer behind me down the hallway to the
door. He at first thought i was struggling to get away, but i was just thinking
"let’s get this shit over with." They sent me back to the E.R. in an
ambulance, where i sat all night until i was put in ICU. No one came to see me,
i was alone, and scared. Uncertain if this was really going to kill me, if so
when, what would i feel? I was alone missing everyone i had ever known. Not
realizing i only knew them at that moment as a worldly bond. In the ICU one
friend came up, one friend whom has been there through everything, whom I’d
give anything to, in any situation. Jami, she came to see me, she checked on
me. She even kept me company on the phone when they moved me into a general
room. Although i didn’t even tell my mom i OD'd until recently, she just knew i
was in the hospital since i phoned my step farther.
i have felt ever since, that things have
gotten worse and worse despite my effort, or positivity in life, and new found
fear of death. It suddenly accrued to me one day, as if i had always known and
only just realized "did i survive the Overdose?" I wondered if in
limbo they created this mock up world, so real at first it lures you into not
realizing it isn’t real, where i slowly torture myself for doing wrong; and for
hurting people. I tried to do research at that time, and find answers for the
many questions my mind was creating. "Am i crazy? How can i tell either
way?" i would wonder. "Do any others experience this, and even if
they do how would i know?"
Tommy was the
only person to understand this; he was the only person who didn’t stare at me
questioning my sanity. I offered the option about maybe it was a coma and i was
creating all of this in my mind. Tommy and i had an inside thing we would say
about the coma Theory. We made up this science fiction, romantic fairy tale,
where we were both in coma's in the same hospital, rooms apart; But together in
our minds. Meeting and falling in love, and connected by a power that was
unexplained. A soul mate connection that would never be broken, and couldn’t be
stopped, even in a coma.
I never
stopped wondering if i was really alive, most of the time i would forget or be
distracted by actual life to wonder that. When i was alone or fearful, i would
sit and wonder if it was a coma; and if so was Tommy there with me? The weeks
flew by, and Tommy and i began talking nonstop, seeing each other whenever we
were in the same town. We had our
share of arguments, and even a point where we didn’t talk for 2 and half weeks.
I never stopped thinking about him, wondering where he was, if he was okay. I
would lie in bed and stare at the pictures, and remember lying on his chest
early one morning. Him telling me "Don't worry I’ll be here forever,
nothing is going to happen to Me." i sighed in a sarcastic manner, as this
was in response to my worry over his health. I remembered that day telling him
"i no longer want to have anything to do with you, i won’t see you
anymore." I said this because of a guilty feeling about our being
together. It didn’t even last 24 hours, i had to know he made it back to town
okay, and how everything went with his other girlfriend. It was a strain, i
wanted to know, but at the same time i didn’t. I have no ill will towards her,
i know she deserves better. The things she had to put up with, and go through
when tommy was on his drinking binges, or Drug binges. I myself drank, but i didn’t
(and still don’t) do any hard drugs. He went back home, with the longtime
girlfriend, and tried to hang himself. That was March 30th, i remember the
girlfriend sending me a text "what happened in town, Tommy hung himself
tonight" i was devastated. I found out he was okay and assumed she had
lied to me. I found out weeks later when i went all the way there, illegally,
to get him that he had actually attempted to hang himself. When i found out
from his mouth that it was true, and that he was okay, i asked why? To which he
replied simply "To see what would happen" and made reference to the
fact he said he could not die. We played hot and cold for months after that...
May 24th I
got a text at 9am that Tommy was in town at a mutual friend's house; His
brother was working next door. To which i said "and? I have nothing to say
to him." knowing in my heart, i wanted to see him more than anything, and
i knew in my heart i would. But i could not allow myself to look like a fool,
so i had to maintain that i did not care for this man. 2:33pm i was texting my
friend on the couch, and Tommy and his brother pull up in my driveway. I rush
out, and then pretend i don’t want to talk to tommy, but i couldn’t even keep
the act up for more than 45 seconds. I was so happy to hear his voice and see
his face. Tommy insists i come with him, i didn’t know where, with tommy it was
always an adventure. Tommy, although i keep insisting i am busy, but glad to
see him, will not take "no" for an answer. An action that anyone whom
has met him knows it’s not characteristic. If you tell him no, he will let it
roll off and move on before you bat an eye. I agree to go, and he insists i
grab the dog, that he calls His dog, or our dog, Roxy. They play, we talk about
a drunken voicemail i left him, and he pushes for me to help him with
something. I decline, i had a previous obligation. Tommy was always doing this,
blowing into town, and i have to drop everything for him. Jami needed my help
with her van, and this is the girl that’s been there through very rough times,
i wouldn’t ever tell her no. I ended up rushing around and helping Tommy, then
was furious with myself. Feeling as if i had betrayed myself, feeling hurt,
that maybe that’s the only reason he had insisted i go with him, and a little
Worrisome. I leave in a furious rush he looks at me as i stood by the door, i
glanced back to look at him, and paused because i felt something. I thought it
was just worry over the errand we had run, and he just looked at me. A honk
from outside broke the eye lock we had going on, and i gnashed my teeth and
said "If i get in trouble Tommy, I'll fucking kill you!" i remember
he looked so weird, i thought it was the drugs, and the fact he had been up for
3 days drinking; and then he said "Why don't you just stay?" To which
i felt as if he hadn’t listened to me a day in my life, he knew what Jami meant
to me, He knew i had these plans days before he even showed up in town. I
slammed the door, not realizing that was the last time i would ever see him
alive.
I found out 3
hours later he had been alone in the garage, and hung himself. A mask on his
face, electric cord around his neck. His brother was the one who had to find
him. We both blamed ourselves, we knew how Tommy was, and we knew he didn’t
really mean to do this. He knew there was antifreeze in the garage, and we had
talked about it several times. He always said how easy and quick it would be to
use that, and stated if i actually ever really wanted to, that i should go that
route. So Why would he hang himself so oddly if he meant to do it, when he knew
for a fact there was antifreeze 2 feet from him? Knowing this now, did not help
me then. The shock set it, the disbelief was strong, but the fear of the
unknown was worse. I immediately got on the phone and made calls to the
hospital until i got my answer. His mother answered the hospital phone and said
"He's gone...” and hung up. Simple, direct, and i stood there still not
believing. And screaming at myself inside, "WHY DIDNT I STAY" i know
he wouldn’t be dead, if i had just stayed. Thinking that way doesn’t make a bit
a difference, it’s going in the opposite direction of this acceptance.
A week a blamed
myself, and still didn’t believe he was really gone, the funeral came up. He
died on a Thursday, and his funeral was on the next Thursday. I did not even
know i was allowed to go (due to the situation) until the hour before it
started. Then i saw him, lifeless, beautiful, serene, Stiff, Cold; his neck
raw, bruised, and flat. When the reality set in, i was glad to have his mom
holding me up on one side, and a friend holding me up on the other as i pushed
away from the casket. His brother walked up, i grabbed onto him so tightly it
was as if my life depended on it; and cried into his shoulder. I was plagued
for another week over where his soul went, did i matter to him as much as he
matter to me. I received ashes 3rd in line; rotation went Mom, long term girlfriend,
and then me; which caused uproar with his siblings. I felt like if i had the
ashes i had him back, but i didn’t. I began to wonder if i even deserved any
ashes, the way his brother would explain it, i didn’t mean a thing. Maybe i am
refusing to believe this, or maybe I’m just grieving. Either way, it is not the
point of this very personal piece.
My anxiety
ate me away, my alcohol intake tripled; i wasn't hearing the warnings from
friends. "Don't take on his demons, let them disappear." they would
warn me. I couldn’t take on his demons, hell maybe his demons were torturing
him right then, i would imagine in my mind. Maybe he was standing there in
spirit form, trying to plea for help, and i couldn’t do anything. Or maybe he
was really at peace, and my tears and constant dwelling were making him
restless. All i thought for a week was "give me a sign, any sign, tommy?
Tell me you're okay; tell me what it’s like. Tell me I’ll be okay."
I did not
realize the quest to be sure his soul was at rest, would lead me to the key to
my own freedom. Knowledge is power, Knowledge is key, and the text i found in
the 'Tibetan Book of the Dead' was the info i feared, and sought at the same
time. (Information from wiki)
According to Tibetan tradition, the Liberation Through
Hearing During the Intermediate State was composed in the 8th century by Padmasambhava,
written down by his primary student, Yeshe Tsogyal, buried in the Gampo hills in
central Tibet and subsequently discovered by a Tibetan terton, Karma Lingpa in the 12th century.[7] There were variants of the book among
different sects.[8]
The Liberation Through Hearing During the Intermediate State
is recited by Tibetan Buddhist lamas
over a dying or recently deceased person, or sometimes over an effigy of the
deceased. The name means literally "liberation through hearing in the
intermediate state".
The Liberation Through Hearing During the Intermediate State
differentiates the intermediate state between lives into three bardos:
The
chikhai bardo or "bardo of the moment of death", which features the
experience of the "clear light of reality", or at least the nearest
approximation of which one is spiritually capable.
The
chonyid bardo or "bardo of the experiencing of reality", which
features the experience of visions of various Buddha forms (or, again, the nearest
approximations of which one is capable).
The sidpa
bardo or "bardo of rebirth", which features karmically impelled
hallucinations which eventually result in rebirth. (Typically imagery of men
and women passionately entwined.)
The Liberation Through Hearing During the Intermediate State
also mentions three other bardos: those of "life" (or ordinary waking
consciousness), of "dhyana" (meditation), and of "dream"
(the dream state during normal sleep).
Together these "six bardos" form a classification
of states of
consciousness into six broad types. Any state of consciousness can
form a type of "intermediate state", intermediate between other
states of consciousness. Indeed, one can consider any momentary state of
consciousness a bardo, since it lies between our past and future existences; it
provides us with the opportunity to experience reality, which is always present
but obscured by the projections and confusions that are due to our previous
unskillful actions.
I had never
heard of it, and the name makes it seem like a book of voodoo, still i was
shoved in by a rise in my anxiety which caused a panic attack. I know what most
people believe happens to suicide victims souls, and i know what i would have
assumed. I do not know what i expected to find when i searched for the info, or
was compelled to open a site about Near Death Experiences (http://www.near-death.com/experiences/suicide01.html)
i opened the site, and i scrolled around, i reached the following segment and
hope was restored that He was okay:
Classifications of
Suicide
|
1.
|
The first classification includes
those who kill themselves in order to hurt someone, get revenge, or who kill
themselves out of hatred for someone else. According to Ritchie, these people
haunt the living by being aware of every horrible consequence their suicide
had on others.
|
2.
|
The second classification includes
those who, because of mental illness, confusion, or a terminal illness, take
their own life. Ritchie states these people are allowed many opportunities
from God to grow in love just as any other person would who had not committed
suicide. In other words, there are no negative consequences for them.
|
3.
|
The third classification includes
those who kill themselves from drug, alcohol, or any other addiction.
According to Ritchie, these people can become stuck in limbo trying in vain
to satisfy their addiction until eventually something frees them. This
condition is often called an earthbound condition.
|
I continued
on as that wasn’t so bad, i was glad to know he was not doomed to an eternity
of suffering. I scroll on to reach the next section where Kevin Williams is
giving his insight and description of the Tibetan Book of the Dead, when my
focus shifted from what i was actually focused on. Suddenly making this inquest
about more than Tommy, it suddenly put meaning to our relationship and
understanding of one another, and led me back to that conversation about my own
Suicide:
The Book of the Dead mentions people who succeeded in
committing suicide and who became imprisoned in the experience of their
suicide. Accordingly, they can be freed from this condition through the prayers
of the living and by them imagining streams of light pouring on them. Such actions
free the person from the pain and confusion of their suicide. The Book of the
Dead also mentions that people have no choice but to follow any negative karma
resulting from their suicide.
Suddenly i wondered if that's what i had been experiencing.
If so was i doomed, having not enough prayers for my soul? Did i have no choice
but to follow the negative Karma? I suddenly couldn’t learn enough about this
site, and this book i had originally thought sounded like witch craft.
The First Bardo
The first bardo comes at the very moment of death,
when there dawns the Clear Light of the Ultimate Reality. This is the
very content and substance of the state of liberation, if only the soul can
recognize it and act in a way to remain in that state. The instructions
intended to be read at the moment of the person's death are designed to help
him do this. He is told, first of all, to embrace this supreme experience not
in a selfish and egoistic way but rather with love and compassion for all
sentient beings. This will aid him in the second step, which is to realize that
his own mind and self is identical with the Clear Light, implying that he
himself IS the Ultimate Reality, "the All-good Buddha", transcending
time, eternity, and all creation. If he can recognize this while in this
supreme state at the moment of death, he will attain liberation-that is, he
will remain in the Clear Light forever. This condition is called the "Dharmakaya",
the highest spiritual body of the Buddha.
Most souls, however, will fail to do
this. They will be pulled down by the weight of their karma into the second
stage of the first bardo, called the Secondary Clear Light seen immediately after
death. At this point, there are separate instructions to be read according to
the spiritual condition of the person while in life. For an individual advanced
in meditation and other spiritual practices, there is repeated over and over
the same instructions as at the moment of death, enjoining him to recognize
himself as the Dharmakaya.For a person who was still at a student-level on the
spiritual path, there is the injunction for him to meditate on his
"tutelary deity", that is, the particular god for whom he performed
devotional practices while alive. Finally,"if the deceased be of the common
folk", unpracticed in any spiritual disciplines, the instruction is to
"meditate upon the Great Compassionate Lord", which is to say an
"Avatar" worshipped by the multitude, equivalent to Jesus as
conceived by the average Christian.
The Second Bardo
If the soul is still not liberated at
this stage, it will descend into the second bardo, which is said to last for two
weeks. The second bardo is also divided into two parts; in the first, the soul
of the deceased encounters what are referred to as "the Peaceful
Deities."On each of the seven days, a particular Buddha-being will appear
in radiance and glory, with a bevy of angelic attendants. At the same time, on
each day in turn there will shine a light from one of the six worlds of the
Buddhist universe, called"Lokas" (the basic meaning is
"place";our English words "location" and "locale"
are derived from the same Sanskrit root).
On the first day of the second bardo,
there appears to the soul the divine Father-Mother - that is, the supreme deity
of the universe, transcending all dualities, including the division into sexes.
The next step in the destiny of the soul is determined by his reaction to this
God. If his life on Earth was well lived, he will now be in a state of purity
and grace, and he will enter into the joy of the God and attain liberation. If
on the other hand he has lived an ignoble and impious life, the effects of his
bad karma will cause the intense radiant presence of the God to strike fear and
terror in his heart, and he will be drawn instead to the softer light of the
Deva-Loka, which has dawned along with this deity. This is still a fairly
attractive fate, for the Devas are the Gods (or angels), and their Loka is
equivalent to the Christian heaven; however, the Buddhist teaching is that even
heaven is not the highest spiritual objective, because it is still only a
temporary state in the manifest universe. Liberation is believed to be the only
final and permanent resting-place for the soul, an un-manifest state beyond all
existence.
On the second day, there appears the second-highest God in the Buddhist pantheon - in
fact, he is actually the Second Person in the literal Buddhist Holy Trinity. At
the same time, there dawns a smoky light from hell; and here we note that, just
as the Buddhist heaven is not a permanent, eternal state, neither is its hell.
Even the most wretched souls will eventually work their way out of even the
deepest pit of hell, just as even the highest and purest souls will eventually
lose their footing in heaven and descend again into the cycle of death and
rebirth. Liberation is the only way out.
Once again, if the soul responds to the
"dazzling white light"of the second God with the joy of a pure heart,
he will be liberated thereby; but if he specifically reacts with ANGER from
having indulged in this vice on Earth, he will recoil from the light in fear
and be drawn into hell.
The pattern is repeated on the third
day; this time it is the fault if egotism that will cause the soul to react to
the God with fear, and he will be drawn to the human world, where his next
incarnation will thereby take place. On the fourth day dawns the God of Eternal Life; if the soul has a negative
reaction to him because of miserliness and attachment, he will be drawn toward
rebirth in the Preta-Loka, a world of"hungry
ghosts"who have huge stomachs and throats the size of pinholes, and so
they wander about in a constant state of unsatisfied ravenous desire. On the
fifth day comes God in the form of an Almighty Conqueror; this time it's jealousy that
will unseat the soul, and he will be born into the Asura-Loka, a world of fierce warrior-deities (or
demons). On the sixth day all the deities return and dawn together, along with
the lights from all six Lokas. On the seventh day there appear the Knowledge-Holding Deities, who are more fierce
and demonic-looking than those that have previously dawned;and in fact they are
sort of a transitional element to the next stage of the second bardo, where the
soul encounters the wrathful deities. Meanwhile, if because of stupidity the
soul cannot face the Knowledge-Holding Deities, he is drawn toward the Brute-Loka - that is, he will be reborn on Earth
as an animal.
In the second week of the second bardo,
the soul meets seven legions of Wrathful Deities: hideous, terrifying demons who
advance upon him with flame and sword, drinking blood from human skulls,
threatening to wreak unmerciful torture upon him, to maim, disembowel,
decapitate and slay him.The natural tendency, of course, is for the soul to
attempt to flee from these beings in stark, screaming, blood-curdled terror;but
if he does, all is lost. The instructions at this stage of the Bardo are for
the soul to have no fear, but rather to recognize that the Wrathful Deities are
really the Peaceful Deities in disguise, their dark side manifesting as a
result of his own evil karma. The soul is told to calmly face each demon in
turn and visualize it as the deity it truly is, or else as his own tutelary
deity; if he can do this, he will merge with the being and attain the second
degree of Liberation, that lesser aspect of it which is now the best he can
hope for here in the second bardo.
Furthermore, he is told to awaken to
the fact that all these fearsome creatures are not real, but are merely
illusions emanating from his own mind. If he can recognize this, they will
vanish and he will be liberated.If he can't, he eventually wanders down to the
third bardo.
The Third Bardo
In the third bardo the soul encounters the Lord
of Death, a fearsome demonic deity who appears in smoke and fire,
and subjects the soul to a Judgment. If the dead person protests that he has
done no evil, the Lord of Death holds up before him the Mirror
of Karma, "wherein every good and evil act is vividly
reflected." Now demons approach and begin to inflict torments and
punishments upon the soul for his evil deeds. The instructions in the Bardo
Thodol are for him to attempt to recognize the Voidness of all these beings,
including the Lord of Death himself; the dead person is told that this entire
scene unfolding around him is a projection from his own mind. Even here he can
attain liberation by recognizing this.
The soul who is still not liberated
after the Judgment will now be drawn remorselessly toward rebirth.
The lights of the six Lokas will dawn
again; into one of these worlds the soul must be born, and the light of the one
he is destined for will shine more brightly than the others.The soul is still
experiencing the frightening apparitions and sufferings of the third bardo, and
he feels that he will do anything to escape from this condition. He will seek
shelter in what appear to be caves or hiding-places, but which are actually the
entrances to wombs. He is warned of this by the text of the Bardo Thodol, and
urged not to enter them, but to meditate upon the Clear Light instead; for it
is still possible for him to achieve the third degree of liberation and avoid
rebirth.
Finally there comes a point where it is
no longer possible to attain liberation, and after this the soul is given
instructions on how to choose the best womb for a favorable incarnation. The
basic method is non-attachment:to try to rise above both attraction to worldly
pleasures and repulsion from worldly ills.
The final words of the Bardo Thodol
are: "Let virtue and goodness be perfected in every way."
In the third bardo they mention "The
instructions in the Bardo Thodol are for him to attempt to recognize the
Voidness of all these beings, including the Lord of Death himself; the dead
person is told that this entire scene unfolding around him is a projection from
his own mind. Even here he can attain liberation by recognizing this."
Which gave me some comfort - Comfort in knowing that all can be changed, that
all is not set, that illusion is all around us. It was afterall the buddist's
who said "total enlightenment is to realize that everything around us is
an Illusion." A saying i had become particularly found of in recent
months. Comforting to know that even in the darkest moment, Liberation is
around us. And finally the third bardo offered me this: "Bardo Thodol, and urged not to enter them, but to meditate upon
the Clear Light instead; for it is still possible for him to achieve the third
degree of liberation and avoid rebirth." I do not know why we are avoiding rebirth with such force? was it
not neitzche who said “What if a
demon were to creep after you one night, in your loneliest loneliness, and say,
'This life which you live must be lived by you once again and innumerable times
more; and every pain and joy and thought and sigh must come again to you, all
in the same sequence. The eternal hourglass will again and again be turned and
you with it, dust of the dust!' Would you throw yourself down and gnash your
teeth and curse that demon? Or would you answer, 'Never have I heard anything
more divine'?” Would
you not be at complete peace if we lived our lives as if we would have to
relive it innumerable times, every up and down of your life relived again. Do
not misconstrue my Nietzsche reference, i person have made mistakes. I have woes,
and have gone through struggles i would want to face again. To Error is human,
no one is perfect, nor in their darkest hour would they gladly relive the exact
same existence innumerable times.
Philosophy Of A Borderline by Jessi James is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License.
