our song

so we all grieve differently, is what they keep telling me. i relate everything to music, i always have. I could plan a flawless soundtrack to my entire life, and every event i encounter. well sometimes i hear songs, and i wish i could play (for the people listening to the song with me) the memories in my head. So they could understand the feelings i have for the song, and after hearing the song. I'm going to attempt to relay that in some manner, but i don't know if the attempt will be successful. The song i chose is Candlebox - "Far behind" not because it had great meaning. But because i posted it one drunken evening, on facebook. Stating that it was about myself and someone else. That it described us. Now when i went back and read that sober, i was confused. I know the song, i know every word. But i went back and listened, and read along with the lyrics. I then came to realize several things i wouldn't have, unless i was really paying attention to the lyrics. So my posting that, i apparently in my drunken state assumed everyone knew the lyrics and would understand exactly what i meant. But they wouldn't unless i explained. unless they knew the connection to each section, the memory, the binds. Unless they knew you or I, well enough to understand. So I'll explain:

Now maybe
I didn't mean to treat you bad
But I did it anyway
And now maybe
Some would say your life was sad
But you lived it anyway
And so maybe
Your friends they stand around they watch your crumble
As you falter to the ground
And then someday
Your friends they stand beside as you were flying
Oh you were flying oh so high

(We all make mistakes, we all hurt people whether we mean to or not. And you and i hurt each other, and we hurt others. - I know our lives are sad, but we did press on. we were stronger for pressing on, and we always had each other. - And i cant believe the people that watched us falter, and just stood there and watched, but when we were flying, they want to take part in our lives.)

But them someday people look at you for what they call their own
They watch you suffer
Yeah they hear you calling home
But then some day we could take our time
To brush the leaves aside so you can reach us
But you left me far behind
(some days in all our suffering, when no one else was there, we had each other, and you left me HERE ALONE!! how bloody well could you????)

Now maybe
I didn't mean to treat you oh so bad
But I did it anyway
Now maybe some would say you're left with what you had
But you couldn't share the pain

No, no, no
Couldn't share the pain, they watch you suffer
(now your gone, and I'm left where i was before. I know you think you shouldn't share your burden, but its on me now nonetheless, you may as well be here to share the load!)

Now maybe I could have made my own mistakes
But I live with what I've known
And then maybe we might share in something great
But won't you look at where we've grown
Won't you look at where we've gone
But then someday comes tomorrow holds a sense of what I feel for you in my mind
As you trip the final line
And that cold day when you lost control
Shame you left my life so soon you should have told me
But you left me far behind
(we both know we were dysfunctional people. and we learned some lessons on the journey to becoming those people. - we found some kind of light in having each other, i thought. i hoped. did we? - but look what happened anyway.. - and tomorrow, ill still remember everything. i still feel the same, whether you or anyone else thinks so. - And yeah that cold day when you lost control, it IS a shame you left my life so soon, why didn't you just tell me what was going on? Why did you let me yell at you? Why did you let me leave? You made me come with you, made me bring Roxy, and i didn't understand until after you did what you did. why weren't you more forceful in making me stay, as forceful as you were when you were making me come with you. - How could you let me feel this way? you of all people. YOU! and I'm mad, but I'm not mad, and I'm hurt, oh god I'm hurt. you just left me far behind. now i feel like nothing, and I'm left to wonder why, what what if, and if your okay.)

Now maybe I didn't mean to treat you oh so bad
But I did it anyway
Now maybe some would say you're left with what you had
But you couldn't share the pain
No, no, no
(if i just hadn't yelled, if i had stayed, wouldn't you be okay right now? - and yeah I'm left with what i had before you, but also this burden on top of the others. i lived my life thinking if you could do it, i could do it. that we were on par with one another. and now i don't know? I've got so much pain, and stress, and fucking demons crawling out of ashes, i don't know if I'm okay. i don't know if i can do it. and obviously if someone like you, someone stronger, and wiser than me couldn't do it, what hope do i have for a future. and i know what you'd say if you were here, but that doesn't stop the feelings in my heart, my mind, or my stomach. I'm physically sick from everything going on. i don't eat, i don't sleep, i just want to self medicate, and forget. but i never forget, its always right there. )

Oh no
Oh no no no no
Now maybe I didn't mean to treat you oh so bad
But I did it anyway
Now maybe some would say you're left with what you had
But you couldn't share the pain
I said times have changed your friends
They come and watch you crumble to the ground
They watch you suffer
Yeah, they hold you down
Hold you down
Now maybe brother, maybe love
I didn't mean to treat you bad
But you left me far behind
Left me far behind
Left me far
Behind
(did i hold you down, i should've stayed. i should've known. why didn't i know. why would you leave me with this guilt, this pain. I cant believe you. and yet, the one thing i want to say to you, is a joke. I want to make a funny comment about your line about living forever. That you would never die, and how you'd always be here. Forever, is what you promised me, no one gets that. They think when i say forever i mean that we would be married, or in a relationship forever. but no it meant we would live forever. in our dysfunction and insanity. We assumed we weren't mortal anymore, that we were already in hell. Or there was the time you said "maybe we're in a coma in the same hospital and we're meeting in our minds eye" a hallow laugh, as i typed that. a half smile. I remember you, always. I miss you always. But you still did this on purpose, and knew how i'd feel. You just went, and left me far behind.)

i stopped this in the middle of working on it. I decided it was stupid, to which i was told i probably needed to vent. so i finished, I'm not going to share the link at all, but ill post it. Oh well. It's just whats whirling around my BPD mind, in this time of mourning. -Jessi James


Philosophy Of A Borderline by Jessi James is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License.
Based on a work at jamesborderline.blogspot.com