The day the wonder and mystery fades, is when the cold truth seeps into your fiber, your consciousness. Only when we are truly breath taken by wonder is it truly ever wonderful. As is the case with myself, having seen, experienced, learned, and formed a perception, is there no turning back. Greatest wonders and mysterious have become no longer mysterious nor wonderful. They get stripped away, taking along with them my passion, and often my will, or motivation. My drive for life, for uncovering each new day, has faded long ago. I can’t go back and undo the effects I’ve caused, nor can anyone undo the effects they have caused. I can’t unlearn, un see, un feel the cold depth that the world is masking below the surface of everything.
Maybe being naive is truly bliss – as in blissfully unaware, blissfully ignorant. The fact is I’ve seen the cold, dark, seedy underbelly; I cannot go back to believing it to be anything more than what I’ve experienced, than what I’ve perceived. If existentialism is correct, I’ve led myself to see the world this way. If its correct then I am subconsciously right where I want to be. Whether I see it or not, I allowed myself to find this path, I allowed myself to continue to follow this path. Point being life will never be the same, to anyone. We all feel differently, we’ve all experienced different steps, even if we have the same end result.
When I am around or within reach of temptation; I cannot say no. The difference with the new me, and old me being: I do not seek a situation that will involve any type of temptation. I am not saying I cannot partake, I am merely stating that I am not only driven to continually be in that state. Recovering addicts cannot be taught the lessons we learn on the way back from temptation. We are doomed to only believe it when we see it happening, and even then some can’t wrap their minds around it. Recovery is not magic, there is no easy way, there’s no magic remedy. What there will be, is a new awakening, a new found perception. The perception that we’ve seen hell, and back; and it hasn’t dragged us down to the pits of hell, because we wouldn’t allow it. There’s no sudden cure, it’s a disease. I’ve heard many argue it is not a disease. Is a disease not, a lifelong battle for an incurable aliment? That more than describes the symptoms of an addict.
Anything easily procured, or acquired usually has a catastrophic drop or downfall. Its amazing how quickly, yet thoroughly we become addicts. Addiction can happen to anyone, anytime. The Rich, The Poor, The Smart, The Dumb, The Lazy, The Motivated, The Strong, The weak, The Pure, Or The Evil. And every fathomable combination in between . We need the drugs, to escape from hardship(s) of raw reality. For many addiction stems from poor coping skills. Inability to cope with good, or bad, do drugs to give way to an alternate perception of reality. Making bad less bad, making good, seem more triumphant.
One person may become an addict due to recreational use. Party’s or social settings usually are fueled by inebriation. Drugs are what gave birth to parties: “I used this, it felt good. We should gather together and feel good together. Allow our inhibitions to lower, and make us stupefied.” Even the most simple minded can wrap their mind around such. Drugs are a tale as old as time.
Addiction, A dependence usually has two sides. Physical, and emotional; Getting emotional/Mental withdrawals is just as terrifying as the physical withdrawals. Most with an addiction deny they are an addict. Not because they’re liars, more directly because they do not realize. Addiction sneaks up very subtly lulling you into a false security of drug you. You’re safe because you’re not this or that stereo type (as I previously explained). They are in a fantastica (false reality) about themselves. They want to lie to you, because they don’t want to admit the truth to themselves let alone another. That’s why the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. They basically get you to admit your addict as much as possible because they want you to be okay with the term addict, and feel secure in admitting you have or have had a problem. There is no shame in addiction, it just means your hiding from one thing or another, or have been altering your reality so long, its hard to come back to the reality we share. You notice your body screaming with every ounce inside of you, telling you it doesn’t want this. It has become accustomed to lifestyle that it doesn’t want to release. Most times in recovering you melt down, wanting to deny this life, wanting to escape the dull, painful reality. Wanting to rip your skin from your muscles and muscles from bone, to get rid of the plague you have poisoned your body with.
Realizing there is a problem, and that you have lost control; Feeling like a robot, powered and fueled by the addiction. Seeing only the addiction, everything else just becomes black, life becomes a hellish abyss; Living day to day only to satisfy the addiction. Addiction over powers all reason, and any conscience you had. It will slowly grow, consuming all in its path. I think the important thing to remember for family, and loved ones of the addict, is simply the fact, this no longer is the person you know. They may never be that person again, but all is never lost. No matter how far you or someone else have gone, there is always a way out. I know many times it seems pointless, and impossible, but that’s wrong. I know when people said that to me, I didn’t listen to them. I thought, if they could only see my life, the things that drive me to keep using. Or if they could feel how bad these physical withdrawals are, they would know that its beyond pain. That I was the worst case scenario and that the only way to quit, would be when I left this earth. I feared any type of imprisonment, jail, prison, rehab, being stranded somewhere, a place I would have to face my demons alone, head on. But that day did in fact come. It was more than due to come find me. It wasn’t easy, like I previously said, there is no magic cure, no simple route. You just have to breathe, and remember that as existentialism states we make our own happiness. And that’s our obligation to our own happiness. Are you happy as an addict? Searching for a fix? Avoiding life? The drugs may make you think you are, but just take one moment, look at your life, and how quickly you have gotten where you are. Now imagine how much further you will go, if you carry on in this manner. Days begin to seem longer, harder, and leave you just a little bit weaker.
An Addiction is not cut and dry. Once recovered you are always an addict, always battling to not fall into your previous mistakes. Hence the addiction being referred to as a Disease. Addicts take no ease in learning the recovery is a lifelong battle, usually best to teach the tools they need momentarily, than to teach the disease’s long term effects and complications. In Narcotics and Alcoholics Anonymous they teach you to live “one day at a time” and their correct. Taking it one day at a time is less over whelming to focus on. It’s always harder getting into a project, knowing it can take a lifetime to complete. It seems like the addiction seems to blind you, and hypnotize you into believing souly in it. Making you feel trapped into continuing use. I’ve seen several good people, of strong will, being sucked down and eaten alive by this demon. It doesn’t have to be your end in this world, and addiction isn’t it for you. Once you come out of it, and you can see clearly. You begin to experience the depression of everyday. Everyday seeming like your personal breaking point. You see all the things you’ve done wrong, and all the people you’ve hurt. Which can drag you down more, some it does, some it doesn’t. The best thing to keep in mind, is everyday feeling content, and happy with your choices. Thus making you a happy person and less susceptible to being over whelmed and sucked back into a life you don’t really want to be.
I’ve noticed some people want to be clean, only when the drugs are gone. To quote a song by Everlast “saving grace” – “If you’re losing your high, your losing your faith.” That single sentence spoke spades to me when I was using. Getting clean isn’t something to be done to lower your tolerance, to help you cope through a week where the drugs are few and far between. Sobriety must be come to in ones own time, for true results. You have to literally be sickened by the thought of another day wasted, and tossed aside like a candy wrapper.
-Jessi J <to be continued>
Philosophy Of A Borderline by Jessi James is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License.
Based on a work at jamesborderline.blogspot.com
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