Philosophy Of A Borderline: Eyes wide open, & can't see..

The past is gone, and its not coming back. Normal people embrace change, and continue to look forward; Me? I continue to be facing backwards, arms stretched. I am trying to regress, to a time of security maybe? A time of certainty, and happiness. A way to go back and redo my life. erase the mistakes I've made. Rebel in the family life again. Its not completely selfish, my going back benefits more than just me. My making mistakes, would benefit masses, and people close to me. It may have prevented a lot of terrible goings on, that have occurred present day.
Maybe myself medicating led to this feeling. As if because i numbed myself, and was absent, that i feel like i missed out on my own life; so i am struggling backwards to regain a past i abused. If i knew where that life would have led me, I wouldn't have been trying to escape the life i had then. I was convinced i was miserable then, but my past had nothing (misery-wise) on my present day circumstances.
I have become preoccupied with Death and dying since my OD. i was writing a piece about writers, painters, singers, people of creative means, and their habit to be depressed, and commit suicide, and (or) have drug addiction(s). I began to search, and had to stop the piece because i identified to closely to Sylvia Plath, whom wrote an auto-biography that details her OD on sleeping pills. She separated with her spouse due to infidelity, had yet and another suicide attempt in the car. Years later she feared for her own safety when she was alone, and in the end, she was right. She took her own life at age of 30, by gas from a stove. Leaving bread and milk out for her two small children, whom were sealed in their rooms with a window opened to protect them. She was found the next day, head on a towel in the oven.
Her poetry, although morbid, and depressive, is similar. Her journals published in 2000 are of similar stature to my own. This scares me, i scare me sometimes. But the one difference is, i see no advantage to death, or life. I am feeling dissociative, unrelated to the human kind, and often puzzled as to the point in many things.
Having seen the error of my ways, means i have the power to correct them.
-Jessi James