Mark

Of all the war stories you tell people, is the truth a factor? Do you Tell people how i worshiped you? How i got high off your scent? How i purposed to you on your lap in your dads house? Do you tell people how you left on crack binges for 3-5 days at a time? How you came home and yelled at me? How you laughed in my face when i purposed? Do you tell people how violent you are? did you tell people how for 5 years you couldn't muster up an i love you? And when my grandfather died, how you disappeared and i didn't hear from you for 2 months? Or how when i did hear from you, it was only because i found someone who treated me right? And how then the "i love yous" poured from your mouth uncontrollably?  Or how when i was finally happy with someone, you used to call me crying? Maybe you tell them how when i got married to a man worth my time, you stalked me? And when times got tough you lured me away preying on my weaknesses? You promised it would be different, that you had changed, that we would build a new life. You sat with me in my sickness, and my withdrawals. You held me at night, and swore this was it. Never fear - you weren't going anywhere. I take the blame for my ruined marriage, i admit i strayed with you . Since my grandparents passing - i crave stability. I rushed into a marriage to have a family, to have someone whom would never leave. But you were always there, calling to me. You had my heart since i was 17 years old. We fought, oh how we fought. But that was just the fire between us. You know my darkest secrets, and i yours. I know it hurt when i married another man, but i was doing what i thought was needed. I couldn't find you, you didn't take my calls for 2 months. I dealt with the horrible sadness of losing a family member, and losing you. And i supposed this heartache is my own karma. I hurt you when i married another man, you weren't there. I hurt him when i left with you. We pulled out of the driveway, and i blew him a kiss goodbye, and we peeled out. You were so distracted you hit the back of another car. I got my karma for that by learning my own husband had left with my best friend, but what could i say? i was with you. When you learned you had me trapped again, the old emotionally abusive you came out to play. To strike me while i was down. Here it is 2 years later, I'll be 27 this year - we've been together for 10 years. We may argue and fight, and yes you may push me away at times, but your my stable factor. Yes I'm scared to try again, and it seems pointless.
Every night i lay in this bed alone. The same bed you watched me count out 85 Tylenol PM and swallow them. I lay here and your all i think about. It's funny how when your away, all i see is the good you have to offer. I remember the evil too, its just buried under my heavier thoughts. I tried to cry today, i felt the tears well up, and my face wrinkle, but nothing came out. My theory is that you've had your tears, i cant tell you how many times i cried for you. You went through my notebooks and were upset because i didn't write about you. That's because you hurt me so many ways, and never once have shown remorse. You've hit me, kicked me, thrown things at me - you've told me I'm ugly, fat, and worthless - and that i should basically bow before you like your a god. Is that what you wanted me to write about ? or maybe you wanted me to write that when i Overdosed you watched me take the pills, and then when i collapsed you yelled at me continuously "You stupid BITCH! i hope you're fucking happy!!!" and how you left me in the hospital room alone, and went home. I called you a million times from the I.C.U. i just wanted you there with me, is that wrong? You think i did it because of my ex? I did it because i was miserable, i couldn't live with you, but i knew i couldn't live with out you. I've tried multiple times. As fucked up as things may be, i gave myself to you long ago, and I'm not me with out you. Have i talked to other men? Yes, no one is ever going to be you.
I cant die, and i cant live - I'm in a limbo - and this letter is just my way of coping with the bind you left me in. You should have let me die on the floor if this was your plan.

-Jessi James



Philosophy Of A Borderline by Jessi James is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License.
Based on a work at jamesborderline.blogspot.com