i noticed I've had suicidal thoughts for awhile, and even with my fear of death, I once in awhile still have them.
then it leaves me with a feeling of almost withdrawal, like i want to experience it, but I'm holding myself back.
so I seem to almost flash back and forth between a feeling of living with fear of death, and wanting to go there
quicker than planned. so my point is, once that the option has become enough of a thought, that its almost an action,
do those feelings ever end? If a fear of death doesn't prevent me from experiencing this than what would? Therapy? I cant say I agree with therapy 100%.
Thanatophobia is what i suffer from since my last Over Dose. it makes me wonder what it feels like when i pass on,
where the i, that makes me, myself goes. where does my soul go. does it hurt? there are more questions than any
one person has times for, but believe I've given it some time.
But my real question is, once that's in our system as a fall back, does it ever actually leave? or is there?
times get too tough and we think "hey i would just rather be dead than actually deal with this situation?"
Where does it actually stop? or does it? I feel like its almost an addiction, and maybe i seek the situations
that push me so far that I want to just not be 'here' anymore?
Do my behaviors signify that I'm trying to slowly move forward to a premature death? and does my lifestyle seem like
it will drive me to an early grave? and if I realized, without a doubt it did drive me to an early grave, would I stop it? Or continue to live as I do?
do you live it up if you're dying or do you slow it down? What's the point in slowing down if you're going to die anyway?
if I slow it down, am I just making myself miserable in the one life I have to live?
Now I cant actually commit to the thoughts I get once in awhile, but what if one day I am in my weakest and I do?
I mean I've had enough time to devolve a plan. so what if one day is really hard and I decide, its
enough to push me over that edge like it did the last time. A lot has changed since my last attempt, and I feel like
as long as I know the warning signs and I have some type of vent system with friends than I am not going to follow through.
its not even the vent system per say, its the fact that I have to relay the thoughts I am having, and thus realizing maybe
they are more trivial than they seem. As well as getting a reaction to my ideas, never letting on to the other person
that suicide is in the works. Because the last time I did, police were called, and I wont ever make the same mistake twice.
At least not in that retrospect.
Is it me holding myself back, my fear of death, or my own humanity that's holding me back. I say holding me back like i was
going to achieve something great by completing the ideas I sometimes get. Its not often those thoughts come into my
head but when it is i am not me... Not that I am always the same person one day to the next, due to my borderline personality
disorder.
Addiction is something I've dealt with, and its nothing new. So i am feeling like suicidal thoughts are on the same par.
that they come in, just like a trigger, and once they're there, you cannot rid yourself of them. they will be there,
and they will haunt you until you complete their task. Until you use.. but just as they teach you in AA you have to know
your triggers, and adjust your life and actions accordingly. You have to take things one day at a time..
Philosophy Of A Borderline by Jessi James is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License.
Based on a work at jamesborderline.blogspot.com
