Alone

It doesnt matter how much love you have, if youre not here i cant feel it. Words are words, but the further away they are, the softer it gets. Where is that Loud Hot, Passion we felt? That shocked us, and took us to another world. A world with no wars, no violence, no one else, just us. Entangled together as one, seeing only eachother, speaking a language only we knew. Where are you? Why cant i touch you? Why couldnt i go with you? Why would you leave me here in this hell alone? You took my hand, you promised i'd never feel this way again. I've never been so alone, or so scared. Sometimes i pretend you're still here, talking to me, telling me i can do this and im not alone. But one concious glance up, and i realize i'm still alone.



Philosophy Of A Borderline by Jessi James is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License.
Based on a work at jamesborderline.blogspot.com

Mark

Of all the war stories you tell people, is the truth a factor? Do you Tell people how i worshiped you? How i got high off your scent? How i purposed to you on your lap in your dads house? Do you tell people how you left on crack binges for 3-5 days at a time? How you came home and yelled at me? How you laughed in my face when i purposed? Do you tell people how violent you are? did you tell people how for 5 years you couldn't muster up an i love you? And when my grandfather died, how you disappeared and i didn't hear from you for 2 months? Or how when i did hear from you, it was only because i found someone who treated me right? And how then the "i love yous" poured from your mouth uncontrollably?  Or how when i was finally happy with someone, you used to call me crying? Maybe you tell them how when i got married to a man worth my time, you stalked me? And when times got tough you lured me away preying on my weaknesses? You promised it would be different, that you had changed, that we would build a new life. You sat with me in my sickness, and my withdrawals. You held me at night, and swore this was it. Never fear - you weren't going anywhere. I take the blame for my ruined marriage, i admit i strayed with you . Since my grandparents passing - i crave stability. I rushed into a marriage to have a family, to have someone whom would never leave. But you were always there, calling to me. You had my heart since i was 17 years old. We fought, oh how we fought. But that was just the fire between us. You know my darkest secrets, and i yours. I know it hurt when i married another man, but i was doing what i thought was needed. I couldn't find you, you didn't take my calls for 2 months. I dealt with the horrible sadness of losing a family member, and losing you. And i supposed this heartache is my own karma. I hurt you when i married another man, you weren't there. I hurt him when i left with you. We pulled out of the driveway, and i blew him a kiss goodbye, and we peeled out. You were so distracted you hit the back of another car. I got my karma for that by learning my own husband had left with my best friend, but what could i say? i was with you. When you learned you had me trapped again, the old emotionally abusive you came out to play. To strike me while i was down. Here it is 2 years later, I'll be 27 this year - we've been together for 10 years. We may argue and fight, and yes you may push me away at times, but your my stable factor. Yes I'm scared to try again, and it seems pointless.
Every night i lay in this bed alone. The same bed you watched me count out 85 Tylenol PM and swallow them. I lay here and your all i think about. It's funny how when your away, all i see is the good you have to offer. I remember the evil too, its just buried under my heavier thoughts. I tried to cry today, i felt the tears well up, and my face wrinkle, but nothing came out. My theory is that you've had your tears, i cant tell you how many times i cried for you. You went through my notebooks and were upset because i didn't write about you. That's because you hurt me so many ways, and never once have shown remorse. You've hit me, kicked me, thrown things at me - you've told me I'm ugly, fat, and worthless - and that i should basically bow before you like your a god. Is that what you wanted me to write about ? or maybe you wanted me to write that when i Overdosed you watched me take the pills, and then when i collapsed you yelled at me continuously "You stupid BITCH! i hope you're fucking happy!!!" and how you left me in the hospital room alone, and went home. I called you a million times from the I.C.U. i just wanted you there with me, is that wrong? You think i did it because of my ex? I did it because i was miserable, i couldn't live with you, but i knew i couldn't live with out you. I've tried multiple times. As fucked up as things may be, i gave myself to you long ago, and I'm not me with out you. Have i talked to other men? Yes, no one is ever going to be you.
I cant die, and i cant live - I'm in a limbo - and this letter is just my way of coping with the bind you left me in. You should have let me die on the floor if this was your plan.

-Jessi James



Philosophy Of A Borderline by Jessi James is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License.
Based on a work at jamesborderline.blogspot.com

Note to self:

Dear Self,

    Day in and day out I've tried expressing myself. I stand before all of you naked, nothing to hide. i still feel like i havent found the right wording, the right expression. Like i have to force everyone to read my pieces, and even still the blank un-understanding stare glazes your eyes.

    I went from writing educated pieces, to narcissistic rants about my own pitiful existence. Maybe its not you whom needs to understand me, but maybe i need to understand myself. That seems like the logical summer. Maybe no one can understand me, or my work, because I'm a fog. A fog of mystery, even to myself.
     Until i am in a stable environment, and am on a path, i will be separating many different directions. so therefore i am undefinable, lost in the cracks if you will. Its a dangerous torture I've been wallowing in. I've been struggling to stay where i am, and not moving forward. I'm like a nomad in my own mind, torturing myself. It's a scary place, and this has to end.

-Jessi James

P.S. Don't live by W.W.T.D standards - you've seen where that road leads. You know what i mean. Stop worrying about people who don't worry back, stop intoxicating yourself to pass the time. Let go of the painful people, and there wont be anything to numb. You chose to be where you are, so let go of the pity party, its getting old. Your getting older, and you need to snap out of this infantile stage. Things aren't just going to happen for you, while you drink away your life. But if you want a W.W.T.D. kind of existence, your already there. Hows it feel?? are you happy? fulfilled?? Now get your shit together, and get on the path your supposed to be on. Or stay here, and kiss it all goodbye.




Philosophy Of A Borderline by Jessi James is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License.
Based on a work at jamesborderline.blogspot.com

Demanding Demon

      I like to pretend you tried to contact me one last time. I like to pretend you chased after me. I like to pretend you cared and were miserable since i left. But you didn't, you didn't call, you didn't chase, and you didn't care. I don't remember much from that intoxicating fog that night. What i do have to remember it, is an inebriated suicide note that said "I don't care."
      I paint our relationship like a fairytale, you are prince charming in ever scenario. But no matter how hard i pretend, it doesn't change what really took place. The promises you broke, the callus way you handled me, the lies you allowed to slip off your forked tongue. And even when i stopped painting you as prince charming, you could do no wrong in my eyes. I allowed you residence in my heart and my mind. I attempted to drink you out of my heart and mind, and still here you are, plaguing my existence.
      You are the devil's henchman, a demon in angels wings. You prey on broken wounded young women, your forked tongue weaves beautiful dreams, that your soul cannot cash. You swoop in, and with the same gusto, you swoop back out. You leave others to feel its their own faults that carried you away. You are a horrible person, but your a perfect demon in disguise.



Philosophy Of A Borderline by Jessi James is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License.
Based on a work at jamesborderline.blogspot.com

Isnt it Wonderful?

      From a far things hold more mystery, and wonder; making them seem grander. Up close you can see the inner workings, the cracks, and the flaws. A magic trick doesn't hold any illusion once you see the strings attached. A person may seem more idolised from a far - their words may seem to pave the ground you walk on; but once you see them up close, you cannot unsee. You cant undo the flaws, wrongs, and cracks you see in someone. Once you notice it, its all you see. You either lose the attraction and allure, or you learn to work with it.
      This isn't to say we don't all have faults, because no one is flawless. We all make mistakes, "to error is human." and either you deal with the bad habits and flaws, or you walk away. It'd never easy to talk away, be it a friend, lover, family member, its not easy to evict someone from your life.
       Mystery and wonder are magical, and rare; hard to hold onto - no matter who you are, or how hard you try. Their beautiful while you have them, and their misery to see when you are without. They are what drive us in this unhappy world, a new job, a new relationship, a new friend -mysterious and exhilarating. "we are only truly happy when dreaming of future happiness." we constantly paint a picture in our mind of how this or that will go, and we keep on track hoping it plays out. But it fades so quickly, we almost never realize it was ever really there to begin with. . . .




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Based on a work at jamesborderline.blogspot.com

#MZ (i wont spend another day on you)

The silence in these empty rooms is screaming at me. I can hear all the fights i couldn't win, the arguments i had no fight for, and the commitments we couldn't make.
I don't know what to do with out you, you've been here so long, 10 years ago today. I hope when you return to this empty home we made, that you can hear-
Hear all the things i couldn't say,
Hear all the tears you caused,
Hear all the damage you brought forth.
You have no one else to blame - You had me, all of me, unbroken once. You caused every break, and every crack standing before you now. And now you're hurt because someone slimes their way in through the cracks. You made it easy for them, with these huge cracks you see before you. These cracks SHOULDN'T BE HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE!
They couldn't possibly do as much damage as I've let you do all these years. i was never perfect, but you broke me down worst everyday. You say i hurt you, i applaud myself. Karma will bring you your come up pence, and i hope its misery. I hope for every tear you caused, you get three alike.
I should say something nice, to the man who was there for 10 years. But what can i say, you never held me when i needed it. You never loved me, when i needed it. You've stolen away my youth, and I've got nothing left to give to my future. Because like a leach you've stolen it all away..
-Jessica James



Philosophy Of A Borderline by Jessi James is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License.
Based on a work at jamesborderline.blogspot.com

i wish i could lay down beside you, when the day is done.

Unfairness is everywhere - people judge on the shallowest of characteristics. The consequences of our words are painful internal scars. My insides are full of them, i numbed myself for so long, i guess i didn't realize how many deep internal lacerations i had accumulated.
Most of my scars i created, from self abuse, allowing the wrong people near me, and karma. a perfect analogy for me - "seeing a spider web, and walking directly into it." Of all the wrong I've tried to correct, i deserve some back. My battle wounds couldn't stop me from devouring my helping of karma's cold revenge. I cant run around doing what I've done and then wonder why my life is shit. I know all too well why it is.
I remember every deed, every sin, and every mistake I've ever encored in my life. The bodily pain i endure on a daily basis makes it hard to forget. So do i use drugs and alcohol to escape? Wouldn't you?? I punish myself for all the wrong I've committed, i do not need you or anyone Else's judgement, help, input, advice, or criticism. You words don't affect me anyway, there is nothing you can say i haven't said to myself. I do it so harshly that your words are like rose pedals falling from heaven. Instead of getting upset , i welcome your insults with a smile; Knowing your mind is too small to ever wrap around me. -Jessi J




Philosophy Of A Borderline by Jessi James is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License.
Based on a work at jamesborderline.blogspot.com

The repent of six our father's -

Our Father, which art in heaven,
Hallowed be thy Name.
Thy Kingdom come.
Thy will be done in earth,
As it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our trespasses,
As we forgive them that trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation,
But deliver us from evil.
For thine is the kingdom,

The power, and the glory,

For ever and ever.

Amen.

I don't operate on the highest levels any longer. I know my actions aren't always wise or right - but sometimes that's all i can muster up to give. I live too fast, like any moment could be my last.

Our Father, which art in heaven,
Hallowed be thy Name.
Thy Kingdom come.
Thy will be done in earth,
As it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our trespasses,
As we forgive them that trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation,
But deliver us from evil.
For thine is the kingdom,

The power, and the glory,

For ever and ever.

Amen.

Like a moth to a flame, I'm drawn to this pain. I'm just not strong enough to live any other way anymore. Life has taken its toll on me, i no longer can see clearly.

Our Father, which art in heaven,
Hallowed be thy Name.
Thy Kingdom come.
Thy will be done in earth,
As it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our trespasses,
As we forgive them that trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation,
But deliver us from evil.
For thine is the kingdom,

The power, and the glory,

For ever and ever.

Amen.

I look into the eyes around me, all i see is their pity, and shame. Its a shame to burn out so young, when for most life has only just begun.

Our Father, which art in heaven,
Hallowed be thy Name.
Thy Kingdom come.
Thy will be done in earth,
As it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our trespasses,
As we forgive them that trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation,
But deliver us from evil.
For thine is the kingdom,

The power, and the glory,

For ever and ever.

Amen.

i feel the burn in the back of my throat, that's when i know your close. The devils got me in his sights. His breath is intoxicating.

Our Father, which art in heaven,
Hallowed be thy Name.
Thy Kingdom come.
Thy will be done in earth,
As it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our trespasses,
As we forgive them that trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation,
But deliver us from evil.
For thine is the kingdom,

The power, and the glory,

For ever and ever.

Amen.

I'm sorry i cant hold myself on higher regard. I'm sorry i don't carry a higher standard. I'm sorry i don't do as they would in heaven.

Our Father, which art in heaven,
Hallowed be thy Name.
Thy Kingdom come.
Thy will be done in earth,
As it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our trespasses,
As we forgive them that trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation,
But deliver us from evil.
For thine is the kingdom,

The power, and the glory,

For ever and ever.

Amen.

WOULD YOU LOOK WHAT THIS HELL'S DONE TO ME!

-Jessi James



Philosophy Of A Borderline by Jessi James is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License.
Based on a work at jamesborderline.blogspot.com

Just enough time



I've had just enough time, enough time to see beauty, enough time to give my heart away, enough time to hurt, enough time to learn, enough time to feel insignificant. Should god reach down for me - Do not cry, Do not mourn, Do not regret. We all have our own time, i spent all mine - Hopelessly squandered away on romantic wings, on music, and on party games. But I've had enough time to understand - Not to regret a lost moment, or any moment of good, it was worth all the bad it carried. Bad came from good, good came from bad. The time of something more to believe in ended, just ask my  scared bruised past possession of an organ that once was my heart. I pressed on through the hardest moments, i blew through the best moments, there will be a tomorrow, but should a day come where i do not awaken to the sunrise, know that i used my time to my own design.  and that you'll never be alone, where a false smile paints a face, i will be there to guide you.I'll guide you through my own tears, and I'll walk you through your own worst fears.

Love,
Jessi James



Philosophy Of A Borderline by Jessi James is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License.
Based on a work at jamesborderline.blogspot.com

another nail

My soul goes deeper than bones, I am consumed by empathy. And even the tiniest cut, bleeds for years. I've become so consumed by the scars I have accumulated, my heart feels like it's shedding a lining. All I can do is hope once it sheds, the pain won't be so deep.
Taking that hit off your scent, is what did me in. My impulsive actions is just another nail in my coffin; And as it goes I've got more than enough nails in mine. The coffin once filled with dreams, and hopes, its now filled with shattered dreams, and lost hopes. Like shards of the looking glass, my face has become something not my own. My words that used to carry so much weight have now become winded and out of context to the world around me.
-Jessi James



Philosophy Of A Borderline by Jessi James is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License.
Based on a work at jamesborderline.blogspot.com