AA isnt an off base place for me, i have kind of become a slave to the alcohol when opiates left my life. Still struggling with bouts of maddening depression, and suicide idealization. Until i cure my inner demons, i am doomed to be a slave to addition. I am my own worst enemy, and my own trigger.
Everytime i fail i sink, into a dark pit of depression, self pitty, and sucidal idealization. Method of though "well i fucked up again, all i do is fuck up, i will never have the life i deam of - i should it all up, and make everyones life easier." Why did i realize i had another addction? i am familiar with addiction. I wish i had seen it before i alienated you, i miss you terribly. I cry for the loss of your companionship, your forgiving eyes of shades of blue, and for the pain i left behind. I feel feelings once agai, and its rush in like a monsoon, Almost intolerable. Sometimes i cant breathe - and see to be all i think about. How could i hurt everyone so badly, and not realize it? How could i treat people like objects? How could i have been so blind? Every song wrings true, every song brings me back to pain staking realization. Third eye blind - Deep inside of you " I would walk with my people if i could find them. and i'd say that "im sorry to you" "I'm sorry to you" but i dont want to call you, but then i want to call you, cuz i dont want to crush you, but i feel like crushing you. I took for granted you were with me, i breathe by your looks, and look right though you. And we were broke and didnt know."
A single tear rolls down m cheek, as the words roll off my tounge and out of my lips. I am so sorry, and i do know how to tell you, or if you ever believe me. And i wonder if you will understand, or even read this. Perhaps i made up everything in my ow mind.. Pseudologia fantastica
"I would chain myself if i could, So i could'nt reach anyone - cause no more pain. If i cut the world off - i cant hurt you, And you cannot hurt me. I am so sorry.. I am just a pain staking, pitiful stain on the side walk you walk on daily - some look down and see - but no body stops and bothers with me. And thats the way it should be. If you give me an inch, i'll take a mile. If you fall for my tears - i'll fake a smile. And i dont want to hurt you too, but i will, i am an addict through and through."
I sit miles and miles away from you, starring at your picture as if it will aknowledge me. Remembering everything we've ever done, wishing i could erase the bad - or at least erase it from your mind. I wish you didnt view me like this. I wish you couldnt see right through me. I am so sorry.
Sober i realize how deep my depression runs - I cry and i ponder cutting myself, and suicide - then i crave a drink. I hold my desire chip from AA but until it changes whats inside of me, its just a cheap piece of metal, and their just a group of people who think i dont want to change. Until i correct myself there is no point in you even wknowledging me. I cant hurt you anymore. I just want to curl up in a ball, and hurt myself for every painful memory i have.
Unity, Service, Recovery. 24 hours. To thine own self be true. God grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change, courage to change the things i can, and the wisdom to know the difference." i've read it over and over again. And just like any other addict i feel that if people felt what i did, or understood how i feel, they wouldnt condem me for my drink nor my drug use. Hell they would probably help me in my addiction.
I talk about my sobriety openly with a fellow addict via text. In between texts i hit a bowl of tobacco, but i hold it up real high, so the tobacco doesnt fall out. At which point I am plauged with bad decision memories, and then i wonder... How you are doing, if your sober, and if your life is a lot better with out me in it.
"I think i'll spend eternity in the city, let the carbon and monoxide choke my thoughts away. Pretty bodies help dissolve the memories, they can never be what she was to me" - Hall and oates - "shes gone"
Dpressiong - Increasing - anxiety making me iterally ill - sick to my stomach. Feelings washing in and over me as if 10 years worth of emotions are just now able to reach my brain. I cannot concentrate. Often pray for death, leads me to wonder if i need a little 'vacation' to the hospital. I've managed to sneak by all these years and fake 'a normal' for everyone, and pretend to be sober and sane. Now i am beginning to realize if i had gotten help, my life wouldnt be in the shambles it is in currently. I need to really take a step back and really assess my life. I need to get on meds, so i dont constantly feel this way. The anxiety and depressiong are what drives me to drink or use drugs. All i realy know for sure is, in this state i canot function normally. I suppose i've known that for years, but i've never had this level of sobriety to motivate me. I've had depression and anxiety from a young age, as well as a slew of other mental dissorders. Which at a ripe age of 16 i began masking with alcohol - then as i got older i began masking with other things. When i got clean off meds, i became a manic depressant, and a drunk. Which i hid or would talk my way out of. I'm very good (in my eyes) at validating stupid bullshit.
I am still being pulled towards an inebriated state, just to cope with my mental issues. I realize that is how my addictions started - to cope with myself and my own mental disorders.
Philosophy Of A Borderline by Jessi James is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License.Based on a work at jamesborderline.blogspot.com
