future happiness



Purpose is where your deep gladness, meets the worlds needs. What makes one happy, might make another miserable. I don't know which is more important, appeasing others, or one's self. It makes me happy, when i make others happy. But happiness is momentary, it never holds out forever. We live day to day trying, striving, dreaming, of future happiness. If you cant stand where you are, how will you be able to stand where you want to be? Future happiness is possible, its not improbable, It's just not realistic either. Realistic goals can be met, future happiness is designed to never be reached. If it were reached, we would be doomed to not want it any longer. Not want that which we sought.You cant do everything, you cannot have everything. You don't get to have your cake and eat it to, if you did, you would no longer strive.

People make mistakes, people grow weary and patience wears thin. We all trip, to error is human. But its never a wasted fall, if you've gained something from it. a lesson, a smile, passion, those things can have negative effects on the emotional state, but it was what you sought then, therefore it wasn't a mistake. Affairs of the heart, and passions are a fickle thing. Unmeasurable, untamed, and are well worth the pain. Finding a counter part to fit perfectly is a life long battle. Having someone there is something we as humans need, its not wrong to seek that, even if you make a mistake. Everything happens for a reason, it forms who we are, and becomes the pavement we walk upon.

Don't define what you are doing, don't let others define what you are doing. Live for the moment, don't blow all your coins on the first machine. Just allow the moment to become you, and you one with it. Don't make it overly complicated, just let the winds carry you where you need to be.

-Jessi James



Philosophy Of A Borderline by Jessi James is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License.
Based on a work at jamesborderline.blogspot.com

Eyes wide open, & can't see..



The past is gone, and its not coming back. Normal people embrace change, and continue to look forward; Me? I continue to be facing backwards, arms stretched. I am trying to regress, to a time of security maybe? A time of certainty, and happiness. A way to go back and redo my life. erase the mistakes I've made. Rebel in the family life again. Its not completely selfish, my going back benefits more than just me. My making mistakes, would benefit masses, and people close to me. It may have prevented a lot of terrible goings on, that have occurred present day.
Maybe myself medicating led to this feeling. As if because i numbed myself, and was absent, that i feel like i missed out on my own life; so i am struggling backwards to regain a past i abused. If i knew where that life would have led me, I wouldn't have been trying to escape the life i had then. I was convinced i was miserable then, but my past had nothing (misery-wise) on my present day circumstances.
I have become preoccupied with Death and dying since my OD. i was writing a piece about writers, painters, singers, people of creative means, and their habit to be depressed, and commit suicide, and (or) have drug addiction(s). I began to search, and had to stop the piece because i identified to closely to Sylvia Plath, whom wrote an auto-biography that details her OD on sleeping pills. She separated with her spouse due to infidelity, had yet and another suicide attempt in the car. Years later she feared for her own safety when she was alone, and in the end, she was right. She took her own life at age of 30, by gas from a stove. Leaving bread and milk out for her two small children, whom were sealed in their rooms with a window opened to protect them. She was found the next day, head on a towel in the oven.
Her poetry, although morbid, and depressive, is similar. Her journals published in 2000 are of similar stature to my own. This scares me, i scare me sometimes. But the one difference is, i see no advantage to death, or life. I am feeling dissociative, unrelated to the human kind, and often puzzled as to the point in many things.
Having seen the error of my ways, means i have the power to correct them.
-Jessi James



Philosophy Of A Borderline by Jessi James is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License.
Based on a work at jamesborderline.blogspot.com

no comment blurb

I don't feel like talking, i don't feel like the petty picture jokes. i am being told that I'm ungrateful for myself, but people i thought understood me. and its all over some stupid facebook comment, i didn't see, nor have any part in. What i will say is my page Philosophy of a Borderline is based on my writing, its not directly about Borderline Personality Disorder. Although i understand it, and have embraced it, i write about myself and my experiences with it. I started it with a friend with BPD in hopes of getting her creativity involved. Instead, it all winds up ruining a friendship. and ruining my evening. With Flashbacks of December over and over, replayed in my mind. I don't want to lose a friend, but i also, don't need to feel this low, and hurt myself. I am sorry for whatever was said, but again it wasn't me.

Philosophy Of A Borderline by Jessi James is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License.
Based on a work at jamesborderline.blogspot.com