I know there is a reason for everything, every action has an equal and opposite reaction. I remember everything I've done wrong, from a very young age, because i replay them every night while lying in bed. I know there is a reason for the state my life is in now, call it karma, an act of god (Or higher power.) I believe we do pay for everything that we do to hurt others, for every wrong we make. My depression makes a mockery of this weekly. I slip into a depression over one thing, but its never just one thing. It may start as one thing, but as i sit in my depressed state i can make lists of reasons why i'm "down" or why i'm crying.
Whats the first thing a depressant reaches for? A stimulant. A drug, an alcohol, something to numb the pain. How do they validate it? "NO ONE should have to feel this miserable, this isn't what life is about. Why cant i be like everyone else, why cant i be normal?" Numb the pain, numb the brain, numb the thought process, distract yourself, smile. The fact that its temporary does not matter, its the fact that even for a second you do not feel like a burnt pancake in the trash can. You can feel, even momentarily, like your mistakes are okay, like you life has a purpose, like you don't have to cry.
I keep chanting the fact that everything happens for a reason, "if this hadn't happened, you wouldn't be this way, or that way" i say to myself about assorted things. Trying to overcome the issues on going right now, makes me feel regret, sorrow, or pain for my past actions. The actions any other day i can dignify with something, i no longer can validate them, nor dignify them. Depression consumes me, often, and usually i don't take any action to try and relieve it. If i'm depressed sitting alone, i will sit and just keep digging a bigger depressed hole to bury myself into.
It only takes one tiny sound, to create an avalanche. One small pain, can turn into a world of "why am i here, whats the point, my existence is meaningless, i don't want to be here anymore." It progresses, its consumes, just a slow building darkness, that will color your perception by minutes, consume your world in hours. Once i start entering the state of depression i am unable to see anything but bad, wrongs, hurt. I don't want to talk to people, i don't want to tell them how i feel because i don't want them to attempt to talk me out of it; It only makes me feel worse. I don't want to watch a TV show, i don't want to watch a movie (Unless it relates to the beginning cause of my depression.) Any music i hear is just noise unless i can relate a topic to the lyrics. Unless they are feeling what i'm feeling. Which means its not peppy upbeat music, its soft, its painful, and its emotional. If i manage to try and go outside the lines of that, it ends up angry, hard rocking angry music, which just puts me in a different form of depression.
If i try to explain what i'm feeling, or why i'm feeling it, or if i even just let you catch on to what i'm feeling; i feel naked and exposed, I feel embarrassed, i feel like its an uphill battle to even muster up an explanation. I will in fact regret in forming you that i felt anything other than your "normal." I will hide my tears, i will lock it away, i will not try to validate myself, or express myself to you. "Lock down mode" that's what i call it, when i cant even fathom confessing the tiniest thought, because i feel like you know way too much already.
The silence may be deafening, but my thoughts are loud and clear, and my mind will not let me share them. Its not that i'm scared to tell you what i'm feeling, its that i just don't want to explain what hurts, and why. Maybe it will seem trivial to you, maybe it will seem impossible to relate, maybe i will come across as crazy, maybe you will make it seem like its nothing, when obviously it is something very important to me. I don't want to ever be told that what began the depression was nothing, sometimes i may know that, but i cannot be told that by someone else. I would rather sit silently, knowing you know something is wrong, than to try and explain or confess anything more than i have. I often wonder why i let the words pass my lips; the words that let you catch on to me, and my emotions.
I wonder if it was some deep seeded "want" or "yearning" subconsciously to have you pull me out of this. Then i have to sit and wonder if you're capable of doing so, very few people are. But there has been the rare one or two that have been able to pull me out, no matter how deep i dug myself into this hole. Although in the midst of the depression forming itself, i will let it build to a large degree, almost like i don't want to be taken away from it.it attaches itself, Ironically like an addict to a drug. Then again, your left to question whether most drug addicts suffer from depression. Manic depression, where we seem high functioning and down from time to time. But when we seem "down" its so much more to us. It puts a grey tint to the world, it puts our own minds on lock down where we cannot perceive of anything other than the dreadful burdens we bare; or thoughts we bare.
"Razors pain you; rivers are damp; acids stain you; and drugs cause cramp. Guns aren't lawful; nooses give; gas smells awful; you might as well live." - Dorthy Parker There is always a reason to let go, and let the hurt just consume you into submission, but there is always a reason not to. Sometimes one reason out-shadows the next though, it just depends on the person.
I guess what Dorthy Parker forgot to inform her readers about, was a "slow suicide." Where you slowly let things consume you, drugs and (or) alcohol. When you know your body is damaged from all the pain you're trying to numb, but you cant take that step to make that step to let it all go at this very moment. Maybe out of Thanatophobia (fear of death) or just out of inability to do it now. Its never a bad choice to live, it may hurt, but didn't they say the best things in life are the hardest to come by? "you don't get something for nothing" and all that jazz?
I was a drug addict; Is it possible some of the pain i feel is because i didn't follow the 12 steps. I never did my apologies step, i never got forgiveness for my mistakes. Does that hold me back in a lot situations? That's one question i don't haven't any answers for. Ive done wrongs, and i hurt for those wrongs. Is it apologies or repents that may set me free? Most of the time i am unable to cope to any of my mistakes, or wrong doings. I don't want to talk about them because i know how it makes me look. Is that in itself is vain? Its thinking from other peoples point of view, so it must be. Why should anyone Else's view on my own life matter? I cant answer that, but it does.. I form attachments way too quickly with people, and it tends to just hurt me in the end. Their not formed so easily, but once their formed i cannot let go. That may be my biggest weakness. It doesn't matter how small our relationship was, it meant something to me. I don't mourn, so perhaps that's why i don't get over things. I miss a man i thought i would love forever, i miss a child i thought i could mother, i miss a friend i thought cared. I I hurt from all of those, even though its been enough time, any other person wouldn't even think upon them, but with me, its always there. Why cant i let go, why cant i let hurt go, why cant i forget the bad, why cant i forget the hurt? Why are these the things i constantly remember over and over? I beg my own mind to let them go, i see other people let worse things go, and i cant relieve myself of things of a lower caliber.
This isn't really a conclusion, there really isn't an end.. It's just a bunch of questions and statements, and that's what depression is. Its not able to be defined from our point of view. There is no answer to the questions, there are no solution. It just is. You either have understand it or you don't, simple as that.
Philosophy Of A Borderline by Jessi James is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License.Based on a work at jamesborderline.blogspot.com
