Foot prints in time

I had a dream that I was raising three birds, two birds were brightly colored large birds. The third was a moulting parrot. Balding, sad, and lonely in the eye. The two Brightly colored beautiful birds left a beautiful pearl white and purple egg. I placed the egg in the cage with the lonely balding parrot, because the other birds wouldn't keep the egg warm. When i returned to the parrot it had chewed its wings off, and one of its legs, and was laying depressed upon the floor of its cage. I tried to help the bird, but it was no use - i then woke up. Plagued by this dream, i kept replaying it all day.

Last week i was planning to write a piece about the psychological damage infertility does on the female Psyche. I realized that this dream symbolized everything i needed to explain. The two birds made an egg, it was given to the lone bird, and it slowly ate away at it.

I was never diagnosed as being barren, which some may find stupid. I never wanted to be told for sure i was unable to conceive a child. I am a dreamer, and i like to dream that one day it will happen. If i am told it never will, i am not sure that would make me stop wanting it. I believe in some way that is the meaning of life. Not only bringing offspring into the world, but leaving a piece of yourself. The child does not have to be from your own body, to be a part of you. If you leave a lasting impression upon someone, you are never truly gone, you live on through them.

The only problem is as a woman, that is hard to swallow. Being barren, feeling that you are not really a woman. Everyone around you changes as they age, they settle down, raise their children, and stabilize. Where as i feel like i am in a downward spiral that i cant pull out of, and refuse to try. I have always felt that something was missing, some big part of me. I feel like my growth as an adult has been stunted. Something seeming so trivial to others, seems so damning to me. There are plenty of women out there, going through the same ordeal, yet i have never felt more alone.

I stumbled into a situation where i was caring for a child for several months. Watching her grow, and learn. I tried to fight any attachment because i didn't want to hurt when it ended, as i knew it would. When you are looking into a baby's eyes, and are aware it relies on you for everything, there is no way to not form an attachment. Beginning to fill that role, succumbing to those feelings. Once it seemed more permanent, as in the fact that dcfs had placed the child with her grandfather and i, and the mother was not in the picture. The role begain to become me, take me over. I realized I was responsible for everything, and I let that family unit feeling wash over me.

       I stand before you a woman, who doesn't always show pain. To be put in that paternal instinct, and then have it taken away, it hurts. Why does it hurt so tremendously, i know i don't have the chance to be that person alone. I am incapable of having children, so when i got close to the baby - and to have her swiftly taken, reminded me I will never feel that way again. And i reflect back on all the ways I wasn't perfect, all the screw ups I made.
 Thinking if i just had one chance to do it again, I would do it differently, i would have been the best I could be. I wasnt perfect,  made my mistakes, what parent (biological or not) dosent? And with out the baby, my life seems meaningless.When i text her grandfather, who has her now, i was told i couldnt see her. The child i raised from 2 months, who will be a year This August. I am sure it may be better i lose contact, but something inside of me wont let me. 

Short back story on the mother, a drug addict. A very good person, when she was sober; Which wasnt often. She loved her kids, when she was home; Again not often. When she left for 7 days (to get baby formula) she could not call and check in on the child i had. She couldn't even bring formula for her starving child, i went and got some on my own. The baby's grandfather and I did everything financially and emotionally for those children. Three Children in all, and i began to think of their grandfather as a father; We all became a family unit. The baby, never went without anything. She was truly loved, and i would give her anything in my power. The biological mother Didn't even want this baby when she was pregnant, she wanted to give her up. I was around this child since she was born, but I was there full time for the baby since she was 2 months old. It may have taken a little bit to adjust to taking care of the two older girls, plus a baby. As much as I wasn't a morning person, I would get up everyday and feed them, cloth them, do hair, help with makeup, and see their beautiful smiles before school. As soon as they would leave the baby would awaken, and that started my day again. Many times I wished I didn't have to stay awake after long nights and deal with it, since they were not my children; but I still wish i had it all again. Just to feel the way i felt then. And to realize i cant have that, ever in my life. I will always be close to the children around me, but they will never be mine. I want a child, one no could take away, that I can have free roam over.

For quite sometime I
This baby that showed me what i was missing, this child that i miss so much its hard to function - She will never remember i was there, she will never remember how much I loved her. Just as I wouldn't have realized what i was really missing with out her. When people say get over it, they don't know what their insinuating. They believe unknowingly that its easy to be taunted by the fact of being a mother and having it taken away, knowing it will never return.

So how does infertility effect women? In so many ways, not just the aforementioned story of myself. Their are many women suffering from being barren, each cope with it differently. Some cope better, or worse than myself. Some aren't bothered, never wanted kids in the first place. Then there are those whom cant even be around children as they are reminded of what their missing. As a woman, learning you cannot contribute to a generation, its demoralizing. As this is a touchy subject for myself, My apologies if this is an rant type piece i will not continue forth..

Philosophy Of A Borderline by Jessi James is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License.
Based on a work at jamesborderline.blogspot.com