Philosophy is what we make it, its interpretation. This project is my search for the answers to: my life, my mistakes, and my future. Maybe that’s subjective to each individual. This is just one journey of a fucked up girl, whose desperate searching for the answers, led her here. I hope that through this anyone struggling like i did, and do, will find the answers, or the path they need. Possibly feel comfort in knowing there are others out there that are struggling and searching for a reason to why we're here, and why we're such a mess psychologically. Much like the authors Suzanna kaysen, Beverly D'onofrio, And Dorthy Parker have done for me. Life is a tough shell to crack, but maybe leaving it uncracked and learning why it’s a shell at all is the best course, but on the other hand, maybe diving in there head first and asking questions later is the right choice, Interpretation. Every new beginning must come from another beginnings end. So keep that in mind as you walk the journey of life.
Philosophy of a borderline: Ambivalence means to be torn between two courses of action. Example: Live or die, it implies strong feelings in both choices, and uncertainty of which path is the right choice. Insanity, text book insanity the act of repeating the same act again and again, hoping for different results. this definintion has always bothered me, seeing as how some of the greatest minds of our times, have repeated the same act again and again in hopes of different results. The difference is, they were creating the same act, but altered it. Such as Devinci and his flying machine, small tweaks are not the same act. The acts in which insanity refers to, is like putting yourself in a bad situation time and time again, thinking this time will be different.
I consider myself in between, snug in the middle of the two. An Ambivalent insane. My meaning, to be unsure if you really are crazy or not. You have very lucid moments in time when you realize you are not, for lack of a better term, sane. Being unable to define the line between reality and imaginary, being one’s own worst enemy. Committing acts that you know full well are self-damaging. Being uncertain of any future or if you even want a future. The technical term for this is: Borderline personality Disorder.
I am Jessica, and i suffer from this every day. Does this make me mentally weak? You tell me. I’m no slouch, no moron, do i over think, yes. Does my mind keep me awake at night reeling about things that are said and done long ago, yes. Am i going to go insane and murder everyone, no! I'm very passive, but i have my moments. Just like everyone there’s good days and bad days. We are high functioning in society; mainly because we are aware of our illness, and limitations. Some borderlines do not even know they have the disease. Mental illness has a huge stigma in the states, many people are too afraid to seek help, or simply unaware there is even a problem. But then on the other hand, there are some borderline’s who get progressively worse over time. Eventually forgetting what a normal life is, or feels like. We begin to feel trapped in our own minds. Almost unaware how far we've been buried in our own afflictions. The oddest part is how we can commit such dangerous actions; without one moment of thought for what our actions may cause. And yet, we can over think everything else. Such as the lyrics to a song, or a conversation with someone. Replaying things over and over in our minds. Analyzing every word or body movement.
A lot of borderlines end up with a chemical dependency. I am not sure why, exactly. I know with me, i wanted to numb out the pain, be it emotional or physical. And because it slowed my mind down, so it wasn’t constantly going 100mph. And it helped with the daily anxiety i felt about everything and everyone. Getting off of the 7 year addiction, after suppressing everything so long, amplified the previous issues. When they all came back it felt like a wave had sucked me under and drug me out to sea. No matter how i struggle it doesn’t help. Someday i float along and others, i want to throw in the towel and let the ocean drag me under. End this misery once and for all.
They say suicidal thoughts are part of the disease. Most people think the "suicidal thoughts" are only thoughts because we don’t really want to die, we just want attention. This may have the tiniest pebble of truth to it. We are trying to hurt ourselves, and kill ourselves to drown out the dark the dwells just under our surface. When you don’t want to feel anything anymore, death seems like the logical choice. When death draws near, only then do we begin to fear or prevent it. Our mortality which once seemed useless, or a punishment, now is a question of how far our bodies will carry us in this life. I haven’t reached the level of being grateful for every day. Maybe i never will. I don’t think that with all the different things my mind reels on - that i could ever be blindly happy. Or ignorant, for bliss. Maybe no one truly is.
I've never set goals or standards for myself; it’s just not something my mind seems to process. My mind constantly runs with all kinds of thoughts, about the earth, mortality, life, the meaning of existence, existentialism. But goals and a future has never been on that list. I lay awake at night worrying about friends and family situations now, or if I’ll be able to be socially active due to my extreme anxiety.
Perception: Staring up at the night sky, the stars and moon - every night they'll be there as if they're awaiting the world to gaze upon their beauty. Romantic's tend to reference the stars and moon a lot; poets and writers alike. Maybe it's because of their natural beauty and wonder. Or maybe it’s because of their common ground, or Possibly their reliability in our life... A lot of them make reference to "Giving you the stars, or Moon" because it’s such a grand gesture. Wouldn’t you be wooed if someone gave you something as grand and one of a kind like the moon? Men seem to all topple over themselves to outdo other men in the art of Woo. As if it’s a sign of their man hood, or something. But they do it in hopes of procuring a mate, or possible suitors. And thus win the right to procreate with said woo-ee.
It’s like everyone wants to live in a little sealed box. You all strive to keep indifference out, and yet applaud the Freud, and worship the art of vangogh; Because Freud made psychological claims based on his perception. Vangouh never sold a single painting in his life, and ironically in death is the appitamy of the art world. He led a long depressing life, and tried to express himself and his perception and everyone sneered at him. Then he dies, and wow, it’s like we've just discovered him. And the art world sits ringing its hands congratulating themselves for finding him. When, if we weren't so closed minded to difference and others perceptions he may have gotten to experience the appreciation of his works.
Everyone perceives everything differently. The eye see's, sends a signal to the brain which in turn turns that into imaginary, which we perceive as reality. Two people can be exactly the same, but they aren’t perceiving things the same way. Those who claim to be, are making false statements. No two people, think, imagine, or perceive the same things the same ways. You may group them together because of common ground but do not make the mistake of ever thinking anyone will have the same perception you do. The world, the planet, it’s all ground we are all walking, But no two humans will ever experience the same journey.
Perception of the meaning of life: The meaning of life, a question that has bugged the human race as long as we can remember. We have a hunger for a meaning to why we live, what we are created to do. We want to define all the things we experience, and research everything. Tag everything, and categorize it, and stick it in a dusty drawer never to be gazed upon again. Philosophers over time have all put their take on it. But when i was researching the afterlife, and what happens when we die, etc. i came upon Sylvia Browne's views of such. Basically she would have you believe we walk this earth to gain knowledge to take back to the other side. She describes the other side as sheer bliss, peaceful, and all knowing. If it is all knowing and so splendid, why do we come to earth? Why would we exist on earth only to learn? How does that make life fulfilling? Does this mean Sylvia doesn’t believe in evolution, or Darwin’s theory?
Maybe the meaning of life isn’t as complicated as everyone tries to make it out to be. Maybe it’s always been, and always will be right in front of us. Finding happiness in the midst of war, Smiling when you want to cry, laughing when your broken hearted and worn down. Or tolerance when you’re at your wits ends, straddled with hardship. Maybe it’s just these little fleeting moments, like when a child put their hand in yours for guidance. A good deed done, when you didn’t have to. A Meal for the homeless when you don’t have next month’s rent. Coming home to a house full of loved ones, and memories. Knowing that tomorrow is another adventure you have yet to see.
But if the meaning of life is simplicity, I’ve wasted my life over analyzing, studying cause and reaction. Most of all, it’s been wasted under appreciating. Be it family, friends, or love. I've underappreciated them all. I took the good for granted, been stuck so deeply in the bad, i didn’t know up from down. I've been waiting for something grander to happen to give me the faith that I’ve struggled to understand. When i was missing out on all the magic and wonder of days past. In the end, maybe realizing this is that grander sign I’ve awaited so long. Or maybe i am doing like everyone else, and I’m sealing myself in that box and refusing to feed my urge for further knowledge of anything that doesn’t conform to "box Life." Heck, maybe the meaning of life is security. Love security, having a counter point to depend on. Or maybe it’s an interpretive thing, depending on what 'level' we are on.
Perception of the meaning of life/Existentialism: Blaise Pascal, Fredrich Nietzsche, and Soren Kierkegaard have got some fascinating views of the meaning of life, life fulfillment, and Existentialism. Which is something i am fully behind, and i believe should be more promenade in our states schooling curriculum. Existentialism was brought about by 19th century philosophers (Pascal, Nietzsche, Kierkegaard) whom despite their differences in their positions generally focused on the condition of human existence, and an individual’s emotions, actions, responsibilities, and thoughts - Or the meaning of the purpose of life. Existential philosophers often focused more on what was believed to be subjective. Like religion or human states of being, feelings and emotions. Pain, guilt, regret, happiness, freedom, fulfillment. As opposed to analyzing the objective like language, or science.
Soren Kierkgaard is whom is referred to as the father of existentialism. He said that "The individual is solely responsible for giving his or her life meaning. And for living that life passionately and sincerely - in spite of distractions including despair, angst, absurdity, alienation, and boredom." Which is along the lines of what i believe. Going back to over thinking the meaning of life, and constantly being on the lookout for our fulfillment, and meaning. As if it’s going to fall from the sky into our laps. No one gets anything for nothing; we get what we put in. Those out looking will find that a lot sooner, than those awaiting the knowledge.
To study the existence or non-existence of god - And how one constitutes a fulfilling life. Its traditionally systematic or academic philosophy in both style and content, as to the abstract and remote from concrete human experience. This term and knowledge of existentialism became popular during post war times. As a way to give meaning and importance to human individuality, and of course freedom.
Perception Fantasy Philosophy: I myself, have a fantasy life. At times it’s hard to see through the muck and emotional turmoil that is my daily routine. But its there, hidden away. We all have fantasy, it’s what drives us in life. Should you not want those fantasies, be it money, power, looks, love, well then why would you get out of bed in the morning? What would you go to work for? We teach our kids at a young age about fantasy, in the fairy tales we tell them before bed. We even create fantasy mythological characters, that now represent the fleeting youth. Santa clause, the Easter bunny, or The tooth fairy. As we grow up we develop our own fantasy life, buried deep in the back of our minds. And we strive in hopes of one day making that a reality. But living purely on your fantasies will never make you happy. The goals i guess we set as humans, it’s to strive to live by everyone else’s standers, or ideals. And we seem to measure our life and our fulfillment by stuff, things, and items of no real value in the whole scheme of things. Just things we attain on the journey we are making this trip 'round, or this life. In the end of days, of our life, what gives us significant of our life? Relationships, love, stability, the value of self-worth, and the value of others.
Fantasies have to be unrealistic, the moment it becomes anything but fantasy, or you get your fantasy, you will not want it anymore. For our fantasies to keep alive in our minds, desires that long for that fantasy must keep it just out of reach. Not so far you can’t reach it, but far enough you won’t reach it. It’s not the items we can’t, it’s not the money or fancy cars, and it’s the drive of wanting it. The fantasy if you will. "We are only truly happy when day dreaming about future happiness." Fore if you get what you seek, you’re doomed not to want it. –Jessi J
