One

          I committed suicide December 22nd about 1am. I was just fed up and knew the torture would only get worse. I was a drain on everyone and it hurt me. And i was alone, i had no one who needed me (i thought.) so I took 85 Tylenol PM, in front of my ex-boyfriend mark, he laughed, as if it was a big joke; Until i collapsed on the hallway floor, on my way to the restroom. Then he screamed at me "You stupid fucking bitch! I hope you’re fucking happy!" all the way to our local Hospital E.R. I remember the feeling before i fell; i had this burning from inside, and unlike anything I ever felt. I was so tired, and yet so awake. A burning was slowly growing, and went from my abdomen, through my chest, and into my throat, where it then seeped into my mouth. I remember the taste, and feel on the back of my throat; i thought it was my soul escaping. My friends opinion it was the devil breathing on me, or in me i am not sure which.

          I felt lighter afterwards, but also heavier; i felt lighter inside, but my body was dragging. They rushed me back to a room in the E.R., fawned all over me; and then left me sitting i assumed i was fine, so i left. I ran out, in the back of my mind i escaped fearing being taken to the mental ward. The city police came to my house, where my ex-boyfriend couldn’t convince them i was fine.  So he let them in the house, where i refused to go willingly with them. In my right mind i would've known it would have just been easier to just go with them and not fight it that i wouldn’t win. That’s not however what i did. I chanted to them "I’m not going" over and over. I pressed myself against the bathroom door, which was the only place i could go before they came in. The bathroom door however had no lock on it, so i leaned, and angled my body so i was between the door and sink. It took about 40 minutes, and 5 male police UN screwing the door knob, and body slamming the door in a team, to get me out. I then went out willingly they grabbed my arms, i threw them back and drug the police officer behind me down the hallway to the door. He at first thought i was struggling to get away, but i was just thinking "let’s get this shit over with." They sent me back to the E.R. in an ambulance, where i sat all night until i was put in ICU. No one came to see me, i was alone, and scared. Uncertain if this was really going to kill me, if so when, what would i feel? I was alone missing everyone i had ever known. Not realizing i only knew them at that moment as a worldly bond. In the ICU one friend came up, one friend whom has been there through everything, whom I’d give anything to, in any situation. Jami, she came to see me, she checked on me. She even kept me company on the phone when they moved me into a general room. Although i didn’t even tell my mom i OD'd until recently, she just knew i was in the hospital since i phoned my step farther.

           i have felt ever since, that things have gotten worse and worse despite my effort, or positivity in life, and new found fear of death. It suddenly accrued to me one day, as if i had always known and only just realized "did i survive the Overdose?" I wondered if in limbo they created this mock up world, so real at first it lures you into not realizing it isn’t real, where i slowly torture myself for doing wrong; and for hurting people. I tried to do research at that time, and find answers for the many questions my mind was creating. "Am i crazy? How can i tell either way?" i would wonder. "Do any others experience this, and even if they do how would i know?"

          Tommy was the only person to understand this; he was the only person who didn’t stare at me questioning my sanity. I offered the option about maybe it was a coma and i was creating all of this in my mind. Tommy and i had an inside thing we would say about the coma Theory. We made up this science fiction, romantic fairy tale, where we were both in coma's in the same hospital, rooms apart; But together in our minds. Meeting and falling in love, and connected by a power that was unexplained. A soul mate connection that would never be broken, and couldn’t be stopped, even in a coma.

          I never stopped wondering if i was really alive, most of the time i would forget or be distracted by actual life to wonder that. When i was alone or fearful, i would sit and wonder if it was a coma; and if so was Tommy there with me? The weeks flew by, and Tommy and i began talking nonstop, seeing each other whenever we were in the same town. We had our share of arguments, and even a point where we didn’t talk for 2 and half weeks. I never stopped thinking about him, wondering where he was, if he was okay. I would lie in bed and stare at the pictures, and remember lying on his chest early one morning. Him telling me "Don't worry I’ll be here forever, nothing is going to happen to Me." i sighed in a sarcastic manner, as this was in response to my worry over his health. I remembered that day telling him "i no longer want to have anything to do with you, i won’t see you anymore." I said this because of a guilty feeling about our being together. It didn’t even last 24 hours, i had to know he made it back to town okay, and how everything went with his other girlfriend. It was a strain, i wanted to know, but at the same time i didn’t. I have no ill will towards her, i know she deserves better. The things she had to put up with, and go through when tommy was on his drinking binges, or Drug binges. I myself drank, but i didn’t (and still don’t) do any hard drugs. He went back home, with the longtime girlfriend, and tried to hang himself. That was March 30th, i remember the girlfriend sending me a text "what happened in town, Tommy hung himself tonight" i was devastated. I found out he was okay and assumed she had lied to me. I found out weeks later when i went all the way there, illegally, to get him that he had actually attempted to hang himself. When i found out from his mouth that it was true, and that he was okay, i asked why? To which he replied simply "To see what would happen" and made reference to the fact he said he could not die. We played hot and cold for months after that...

          May 24th I got a text at 9am that Tommy was in town at a mutual friend's house; His brother was working next door. To which i said "and? I have nothing to say to him." knowing in my heart, i wanted to see him more than anything, and i knew in my heart i would. But i could not allow myself to look like a fool, so i had to maintain that i did not care for this man. 2:33pm i was texting my friend on the couch, and Tommy and his brother pull up in my driveway. I rush out, and then pretend i don’t want to talk to tommy, but i couldn’t even keep the act up for more than 45 seconds. I was so happy to hear his voice and see his face. Tommy insists i come with him, i didn’t know where, with tommy it was always an adventure. Tommy, although i keep insisting i am busy, but glad to see him, will not take "no" for an answer. An action that anyone whom has met him knows it’s not characteristic. If you tell him no, he will let it roll off and move on before you bat an eye. I agree to go, and he insists i grab the dog, that he calls His dog, or our dog, Roxy. They play, we talk about a drunken voicemail i left him, and he pushes for me to help him with something. I decline, i had a previous obligation. Tommy was always doing this, blowing into town, and i have to drop everything for him. Jami needed my help with her van, and this is the girl that’s been there through very rough times, i wouldn’t ever tell her no. I ended up rushing around and helping Tommy, then was furious with myself. Feeling as if i had betrayed myself, feeling hurt, that maybe that’s the only reason he had insisted i go with him, and a little Worrisome. I leave in a furious rush he looks at me as i stood by the door, i glanced back to look at him, and paused because i felt something. I thought it was just worry over the errand we had run, and he just looked at me. A honk from outside broke the eye lock we had going on, and i gnashed my teeth and said "If i get in trouble Tommy, I'll fucking kill you!" i remember he looked so weird, i thought it was the drugs, and the fact he had been up for 3 days drinking; and then he said "Why don't you just stay?" To which i felt as if he hadn’t listened to me a day in my life, he knew what Jami meant to me, He knew i had these plans days before he even showed up in town. I slammed the door, not realizing that was the last time i would ever see him alive.

          I found out 3 hours later he had been alone in the garage, and hung himself. A mask on his face, electric cord around his neck. His brother was the one who had to find him. We both blamed ourselves, we knew how Tommy was, and we knew he didn’t really mean to do this. He knew there was antifreeze in the garage, and we had talked about it several times. He always said how easy and quick it would be to use that, and stated if i actually ever really wanted to, that i should go that route. So Why would he hang himself so oddly if he meant to do it, when he knew for a fact there was antifreeze 2 feet from him? Knowing this now, did not help me then. The shock set it, the disbelief was strong, but the fear of the unknown was worse. I immediately got on the phone and made calls to the hospital until i got my answer. His mother answered the hospital phone and said "He's gone...” and hung up. Simple, direct, and i stood there still not believing. And screaming at myself inside, "WHY DIDNT I STAY" i know he wouldn’t be dead, if i had just stayed. Thinking that way doesn’t make a bit a difference, it’s going in the opposite direction of this acceptance.

          A week a blamed myself, and still didn’t believe he was really gone, the funeral came up. He died on a Thursday, and his funeral was on the next Thursday. I did not even know i was allowed to go (due to the situation) until the hour before it started. Then i saw him, lifeless, beautiful, serene, Stiff, Cold; his neck raw, bruised, and flat. When the reality set in, i was glad to have his mom holding me up on one side, and a friend holding me up on the other as i pushed away from the casket. His brother walked up, i grabbed onto him so tightly it was as if my life depended on it; and cried into his shoulder. I was plagued for another week over where his soul went, did i matter to him as much as he matter to me. I received ashes 3rd in line; rotation went Mom, long term girlfriend, and then me; which caused uproar with his siblings. I felt like if i had the ashes i had him back, but i didn’t. I began to wonder if i even deserved any ashes, the way his brother would explain it, i didn’t mean a thing. Maybe i am refusing to believe this, or maybe I’m just grieving. Either way, it is not the point of this very personal piece.

          My anxiety ate me away, my alcohol intake tripled; i wasn't hearing the warnings from friends. "Don't take on his demons, let them disappear." they would warn me. I couldn’t take on his demons, hell maybe his demons were torturing him right then, i would imagine in my mind. Maybe he was standing there in spirit form, trying to plea for help, and i couldn’t do anything. Or maybe he was really at peace, and my tears and constant dwelling were making him restless. All i thought for a week was "give me a sign, any sign, tommy? Tell me you're okay; tell me what it’s like. Tell me I’ll be okay."

          I did not realize the quest to be sure his soul was at rest, would lead me to the key to my own freedom. Knowledge is power, Knowledge is key, and the text i found in the 'Tibetan Book of the Dead' was the info i feared, and sought at the same time. (Information from wiki)

According to Tibetan tradition, the Liberation Through Hearing During the Intermediate State was composed in the 8th century by Padmasambhava, written down by his primary student, Yeshe Tsogyal, buried in the Gampo hills in central Tibet and subsequently discovered by a Tibetan terton, Karma Lingpa in the 12th century.[7] There were variants of the book among different sects.[8]

The Liberation Through Hearing During the Intermediate State is recited by Tibetan Buddhist lamas over a dying or recently deceased person, or sometimes over an effigy of the deceased. The name means literally "liberation through hearing in the intermediate state".

The Liberation Through Hearing During the Intermediate State differentiates the intermediate state between lives into three bardos:

The chikhai bardo or "bardo of the moment of death", which features the experience of the "clear light of reality", or at least the nearest approximation of which one is spiritually capable.

The chonyid bardo or "bardo of the experiencing of reality", which features the experience of visions of various Buddha forms (or, again, the nearest approximations of which one is capable).

The sidpa bardo or "bardo of rebirth", which features karmically impelled hallucinations which eventually result in rebirth. (Typically imagery of men and women passionately entwined.)

The Liberation Through Hearing During the Intermediate State also mentions three other bardos: those of "life" (or ordinary waking consciousness), of "dhyana" (meditation), and of "dream" (the dream state during normal sleep).

Together these "six bardos" form a classification of states of consciousness into six broad types. Any state of consciousness can form a type of "intermediate state", intermediate between other states of consciousness. Indeed, one can consider any momentary state of consciousness a bardo, since it lies between our past and future existences; it provides us with the opportunity to experience reality, which is always present but obscured by the projections and confusions that are due to our previous unskillful actions.

          I had never heard of it, and the name makes it seem like a book of voodoo, still i was shoved in by a rise in my anxiety which caused a panic attack. I know what most people believe happens to suicide victims souls, and i know what i would have assumed. I do not know what i expected to find when i searched for the info, or was compelled to open a site about Near Death Experiences (http://www.near-death.com/experiences/suicide01.html) i opened the site, and i scrolled around, i reached the following segment and hope was restored that He was okay:

Classifications of Suicide

1.	The first classification includes those who kill themselves in order to hurt someone, get revenge, or who kill themselves out of hatred for someone else. According to Ritchie, these people haunt the living by being aware of every horrible consequence their suicide had on others.
2.	The second classification includes those who, because of mental illness, confusion, or a terminal illness, take their own life. Ritchie states these people are allowed many opportunities from God to grow in love just as any other person would who had not committed suicide. In other words, there are no negative consequences for them.
3.	The third classification includes those who kill themselves from drug, alcohol, or any other addiction. According to Ritchie, these people can become stuck in limbo trying in vain to satisfy their addiction until eventually something frees them. This condition is often called an earthbound condition.

          I continued on as that wasn’t so bad, i was glad to know he was not doomed to an eternity of suffering. I scroll on to reach the next section where Kevin Williams is giving his insight and description of the Tibetan Book of the Dead, when my focus shifted from what i was actually focused on. Suddenly making this inquest about more than Tommy, it suddenly put meaning to our relationship and understanding of one another, and led me back to that conversation about my own Suicide:

The Book of the Dead mentions people who succeeded in committing suicide and who became imprisoned in the experience of their suicide. Accordingly, they can be freed from this condition through the prayers of the living and by them imagining streams of light pouring on them. Such actions free the person from the pain and confusion of their suicide. The Book of the Dead also mentions that people have no choice but to follow any negative karma resulting from their suicide.

Suddenly i wondered if that's what i had been experiencing. If so was i doomed, having not enough prayers for my soul? Did i have no choice but to follow the negative Karma? I suddenly couldn’t learn enough about this site, and this book i had originally thought sounded like witch craft.

The First Bardo

The first bardo comes at the very moment of death, when there dawns the Clear Light of the Ultimate Reality. This is the very content and substance of the state of liberation, if only the soul can recognize it and act in a way to remain in that state. The instructions intended to be read at the moment of the person's death are designed to help him do this. He is told, first of all, to embrace this supreme experience not in a selfish and egoistic way but rather with love and compassion for all sentient beings. This will aid him in the second step, which is to realize that his own mind and self is identical with the Clear Light, implying that he himself IS the Ultimate Reality, "the All-good Buddha", transcending time, eternity, and all creation. If he can recognize this while in this supreme state at the moment of death, he will attain liberation-that is, he will remain in the Clear Light forever. This condition is called the "Dharmakaya", the highest spiritual body of the Buddha.

Most souls, however, will fail to do this. They will be pulled down by the weight of their karma into the second stage of the first bardo, called the Secondary Clear Light seen immediately after death. At this point, there are separate instructions to be read according to the spiritual condition of the person while in life. For an individual advanced in meditation and other spiritual practices, there is repeated over and over the same instructions as at the moment of death, enjoining him to recognize himself as the Dharmakaya.For a person who was still at a student-level on the spiritual path, there is the injunction for him to meditate on his "tutelary deity", that is, the particular god for whom he performed devotional practices while alive. Finally,"if the deceased be of the common folk", unpracticed in any spiritual disciplines, the instruction is to "meditate upon the Great Compassionate Lord", which is to say an "Avatar" worshipped by the multitude, equivalent to Jesus as conceived by the average Christian.

The Second Bardo

If the soul is still not liberated at this stage, it will descend into the second bardo, which is said to last for two weeks. The second bardo is also divided into two parts; in the first, the soul of the deceased encounters what are referred to as "the Peaceful Deities."On each of the seven days, a particular Buddha-being will appear in radiance and glory, with a bevy of angelic attendants. At the same time, on each day in turn there will shine a light from one of the six worlds of the Buddhist universe, called"Lokas" (the basic meaning is "place";our English words "location" and "locale" are derived from the same Sanskrit root).

On the first day of the second bardo, there appears to the soul the divine Father-Mother - that is, the supreme deity of the universe, transcending all dualities, including the division into sexes. The next step in the destiny of the soul is determined by his reaction to this God. If his life on Earth was well lived, he will now be in a state of purity and grace, and he will enter into the joy of the God and attain liberation. If on the other hand he has lived an ignoble and impious life, the effects of his bad karma will cause the intense radiant presence of the God to strike fear and terror in his heart, and he will be drawn instead to the softer light of the Deva-Loka, which has dawned along with this deity. This is still a fairly attractive fate, for the Devas are the Gods (or angels), and their Loka is equivalent to the Christian heaven; however, the Buddhist teaching is that even heaven is not the highest spiritual objective, because it is still only a temporary state in the manifest universe. Liberation is believed to be the only final and permanent resting-place for the soul, an un-manifest state beyond all existence.

On the second day, there appears the second-highest God in the Buddhist pantheon - in fact, he is actually the Second Person in the literal Buddhist Holy Trinity. At the same time, there dawns a smoky light from hell; and here we note that, just as the Buddhist heaven is not a permanent, eternal state, neither is its hell. Even the most wretched souls will eventually work their way out of even the deepest pit of hell, just as even the highest and purest souls will eventually lose their footing in heaven and descend again into the cycle of death and rebirth. Liberation is the only way out.

Once again, if the soul responds to the "dazzling white light"of the second God with the joy of a pure heart, he will be liberated thereby; but if he specifically reacts with ANGER from having indulged in this vice on Earth, he will recoil from the light in fear and be drawn into hell.

The pattern is repeated on the third day; this time it is the fault if egotism that will cause the soul to react to the God with fear, and he will be drawn to the human world, where his next incarnation will thereby take place. On the fourth day dawns the God of Eternal Life; if the soul has a negative reaction to him because of miserliness and attachment, he will be drawn toward rebirth in the Preta-Loka, a world of"hungry ghosts"who have huge stomachs and throats the size of pinholes, and so they wander about in a constant state of unsatisfied ravenous desire. On the fifth day comes God in the form of an Almighty Conqueror; this time it's jealousy that will unseat the soul, and he will be born into the Asura-Loka, a world of fierce warrior-deities (or demons). On the sixth day all the deities return and dawn together, along with the lights from all six Lokas. On the seventh day there appear the Knowledge-Holding Deities, who are more fierce and demonic-looking than those that have previously dawned;and in fact they are sort of a transitional element to the next stage of the second bardo, where the soul encounters the wrathful deities. Meanwhile, if because of stupidity the soul cannot face the Knowledge-Holding Deities, he is drawn toward the Brute-Loka - that is, he will be reborn on Earth as an animal.

In the second week of the second bardo, the soul meets seven legions of Wrathful Deities: hideous, terrifying demons who advance upon him with flame and sword, drinking blood from human skulls, threatening to wreak unmerciful torture upon him, to maim, disembowel, decapitate and slay him.The natural tendency, of course, is for the soul to attempt to flee from these beings in stark, screaming, blood-curdled terror;but if he does, all is lost. The instructions at this stage of the Bardo are for the soul to have no fear, but rather to recognize that the Wrathful Deities are really the Peaceful Deities in disguise, their dark side manifesting as a result of his own evil karma. The soul is told to calmly face each demon in turn and visualize it as the deity it truly is, or else as his own tutelary deity; if he can do this, he will merge with the being and attain the second degree of Liberation, that lesser aspect of it which is now the best he can hope for here in the second bardo.

Furthermore, he is told to awaken to the fact that all these fearsome creatures are not real, but are merely illusions emanating from his own mind. If he can recognize this, they will vanish and he will be liberated.If he can't, he eventually wanders down to the third bardo.

The Third Bardo

In the third bardo the soul encounters the Lord of Death, a fearsome demonic deity who appears in smoke and fire, and subjects the soul to a Judgment. If the dead person protests that he has done no evil, the Lord of Death holds up before him the Mirror of Karma, "wherein every good and evil act is vividly reflected." Now demons approach and begin to inflict torments and punishments upon the soul for his evil deeds. The instructions in the Bardo Thodol are for him to attempt to recognize the Voidness of all these beings, including the Lord of Death himself; the dead person is told that this entire scene unfolding around him is a projection from his own mind. Even here he can attain liberation by recognizing this.

The soul who is still not liberated after the Judgment will now be drawn remorselessly toward rebirth.

The lights of the six Lokas will dawn again; into one of these worlds the soul must be born, and the light of the one he is destined for will shine more brightly than the others.The soul is still experiencing the frightening apparitions and sufferings of the third bardo, and he feels that he will do anything to escape from this condition. He will seek shelter in what appear to be caves or hiding-places, but which are actually the entrances to wombs. He is warned of this by the text of the Bardo Thodol, and urged not to enter them, but to meditate upon the Clear Light instead; for it is still possible for him to achieve the third degree of liberation and avoid rebirth.

Finally there comes a point where it is no longer possible to attain liberation, and after this the soul is given instructions on how to choose the best womb for a favorable incarnation. The basic method is non-attachment:to try to rise above both attraction to worldly pleasures and repulsion from worldly ills.

The final words of the Bardo Thodol are: "Let virtue and goodness be perfected in every way."

In the third bardo they mention "The instructions in the Bardo Thodol are for him to attempt to recognize the Voidness of all these beings, including the Lord of Death himself; the dead person is told that this entire scene unfolding around him is a projection from his own mind. Even here he can attain liberation by recognizing this." Which gave me some comfort - Comfort in knowing that all can be changed, that all is not set, that illusion is all around us. It was afterall the buddist's who said "total enlightenment is to realize that everything around us is an Illusion." A saying i had become particularly found of in recent months. Comforting to know that even in the darkest moment, Liberation is around us. And finally the third bardo offered me this: "Bardo Thodol, and urged not to enter them, but to meditate upon the Clear Light instead; for it is still possible for him to achieve the third degree of liberation and avoid rebirth." I do not know why we are avoiding rebirth with such force? was it not neitzche who said “What if a demon were to creep after you one night, in your loneliest loneliness, and say, 'This life which you live must be lived by you once again and innumerable times more; and every pain and joy and thought and sigh must come again to you, all in the same sequence. The eternal hourglass will again and again be turned and you with it, dust of the dust!' Would you throw yourself down and gnash your teeth and curse that demon? Or would you answer, 'Never have I heard anything more divine'?” Would you not be at complete peace if we lived our lives as if we would have to relive it innumerable times, every up and down of your life relived again. Do not misconstrue my Nietzsche reference, i person have made mistakes. I have woes, and have gone through struggles i would want to face again. To Error is human, no one is perfect, nor in their darkest hour would they gladly relive the exact same existence innumerable times. 

(http://www.near-death.com/experiences/paranormal05.html Frederic Myers research is pretty interesting if you want to explore further. )