im not too sure, and im not too proud..

"My head throbs with all the thoughts hatching.
My stomach knots from all the turmoil i swallow.
My chest constricts - my breath is stolen.
I cant walk this off balance, I don't know how to handle this.
I don't know how you made it this long? I guess I'm just not as strong.
I just long to be where you are."

I felt the need to express myself, i don't know how to formulate all the feelings and thoughts i have - onto paper. I feel multiple feelings, and think conflicting thoughts. I sink into a deep depression easily, but cannot easily pull myself out of it. My anxiety is through the roof, i bare the ashes of a heartache, demons are attacking from all sides, I'm lost and confused, i feel alone no matter who's
around. When the Demons begin to feed on me, sucking me dry, i sink into the darkest corners of my mind. a place i call the pits of hell, and i am not me when i am there. I lose all motive to do even the most basic things - Move, eat, sleep, smile, etc. I begin to seek any numbing agent (intoxicant) to numb the pain of my soul being devoured. I puke up anything i attempt to eat, my stomach is full of turmoil; From all of the emotion i swallow in place of sustenance.  When i sleep, i never want to wake up to reality. But generally, it is hard to sleep because of all the thoughts and pain (which isn't only physical but emotional) i cannot lull myself into a state of enough comfort,where my eyes can close, and my mind can zoom out and shut down. most days my mind feel fried from all the racing thoughts. They go so fast, and hit so deeply it is as if my brain malfunctions.
I fear i will never be anything in life, but i also have given up hope, and motive to try. I am in a situation now where its sink or swim. I am letting myself ink, i see myself doing it, and i refuse to paddle at all. its as if i want the water to suck me up, but i don't want it enough to force it. I wouldn't mind if it happened, but i am afraid to force it.
Death has scared me since my last overdose. Dec.22.11. and now I've seen first hand what suicide does to people - since Tommy May.24.12. I don't want anyone to hurt, or cry, but i also don't know how else to kill this darkness inside, to fix my short circuit. I have had it for many years, but its grown so strong the last 3-4 years. Battling addiction, divorce, break-ups, housing issues, losing loved ones, and my own attempted suicide proved to be a battle, abuse, and my own feelings of inadequacy.



Philosophy Of A Borderline by Jessi James is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License.
Based on a work at jamesborderline.blogspot.com